Emotionally in a void
Bereft of feeling pain
Cutting oneself inwardly -
again and again
Moments of mutilation
Once perceived as magic
Now forlorn memories
Only seen as tragic
Anything to garner sensation,
Revert back to pain!
Rather than this lifeless apathy
The feeling of Nothing...
all over again.
Bjr 8 May '11
Last Few Words: This poem is written around a particular psychological personality disorder which I deal with professionally a lot. It is entitled BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and I have tried to encapture what the literature and the patients tell me - they live with this eternal void. The empty bucket syndrome.
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
I find the content correct
but have trouble with the structure. For me, the end rhyme sounds too light and provides too much closure. I feel like the lines should be either hanging some or bleeding into one another. As far as rhyme, maybe slant rhyme would work better--something a little off.
i love the alliteration with
i love the alliteration with 'mutilating' 'momemts' 'magic'
i also like the way you have changed the rhythm in the last stanza to match the change of mood
great write boni
nothing to crit
love judy
Hello Folks!
Haven't replied singularly to anyone in particular - except where pertinent! But a resounding thanks to all!
Ian - thought I'd got away with the typo just long enough to change it - till I got to your comment! Ouch! - thanks for noticing though - a sharp eye need never be gouged out!
Kal! My perpetual inner critic personified! See the points and have made a few alterations, hoping to make more sense. Physical pain is not an emotion - but emotional pain is a huge physical sensation... so the "cutting oneself inwardly" is a very do-able activity which people of this elk do repeatedly IN ORDER TO FEEL!!! eg. They lambaste themselves for the most inconsequential actions, they scorn themselves, they loathe themselves - the compulsive repetition of reflecting on negative scenarios (which they 'play back' repeatedly) in ORDER TO FEEL! Get it?
THat is the message or the info. I am attempting to convey here as a form of Psycho-Educational material - to the reader. Great poetry it may not be - but for that alone it hopefully serves a function!
Thanks
Boni
Boni ...
How are you doing, great to see you posting. I have to agree
with Theo, at least partially ... I think the poem fails to explain
itself, which you do in the afterward, but just from the poem I
wouldn't have gotten the entire meaning. I think the afterward,
as in most explanations, unneeded, and if needed, then should
be written into the poem itself somehow, but that's just one old
country boy's opinion. The cutting of self from the inside, personally,
I love that description, fits many a situation doesn't it.
Richard
Indeed Richard!
Points duly noted! Will attempt to re-structure this. Glad you could take something away with you though!
Boni
Thanks Xena!
Perhaps it is more of a "woman's thing" to be so intuitively aware of these intense emotions?
Glad you could relate! ;)
Boni