Race_9togo

Apr 20, 2011

Haiku

Songbird cool in hands,
killed by sudden cold night, while
others sing at dawn.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Eastern

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Not actively editing

About the Author

Region, Country: Earth Vicinity (within a five light-year radius), ZZC

Favorite Poets: John Donne

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Jim

Will any of us sing tomorrow?
A good Haiku

Crisp clear visuals in this,

Crisp clear visuals in this, the death of one while the rest bring in the dawn as normal. Nice haiku

Thanks Chez,

Happened Monday. It was alive when I first found it, but it died next night. Old age, probably, and the cold snap.
Glad you liked this one.

Hi Jim

Love this one Jim. An honest appraisal of life, death and the luck of the draw.

Thanks for sharing

Love Mand xxxxx

glad you enjoyed it!
I am always struck by the impersonal quality of life and death. We tend to personify death, make it evil because we fear it, but I find a strange sort of beauty in its relentlessness and inevitability.

Jim

This poem has a cold and painful beauty. It illustrates how quickly life can change.

Lou

Thanks Lou

Yes, that's exactly how it strikes me too, painful but coldly beautiful in its relentlessness.
Glad that you enjoyed it!

I echo

the fine sentiments that have been posted here. Powerful haiku Jim

Thanks Vex

for the compliment.

You said it yourself ...

"Painful but coldly beautiful in its relentlessness." Couldn't have said it better myself, so I didn't, lol.Great post Jim.

LOL

You did but you said you wouldn't but you did yet you said you-
LMAO
Thanks man, I appreciate it!

Dear Jim,

So sad to rescue a little life form only to have it's spark depart despite our best efforts. Lovely haiku, by the way.

always, Cat

Thanks Cat,

Yeah, it's always a bummer to have a robin die like that.
But the good news is I have another 3 pairs all nesting under the eaves of my home. It's one of the great pleasures of summer...especially when the fledglings leave their nests, and we all run around to gather them up and put them in safe places around the garden, where family dog and mower can't hurt them!
Glad you enjoyed this one, Cat.

Thanks Ian,

In the midst of death life continues, exactly.

hello

Darwin strikes again.......................stan

LOL

How true THAT is!

Dear Jim, this is so very

Dear Jim, this is so very much thoughtful and full of beauty.
Regards
Ayaz

Ayaz,

Thank you my friend. That's just how it was, full of sadness at the bird's death, yet beautiful as the other birds all sang their songs.

Hi Jim, sad but gorgeous.

I would much prefer an inexact *575* to a rearranged one to suit it.

It's interesting to know how American 575 is so off the mark from the original Japanese which uses so few words, though syllables are counted, it's the difference between the two languages, I think and who interprets them. http://www.haikupoetshut.com/basho1.html

Songbird silent in hands
killed by sudden cold night
others sing at dawn

Not the proper 575 but does it sing for you?

Hi Anna

Thank you for your kind comment, it is good to have you back.
That's just how it was, a sad but georgeous moment, early in the morning, with a touch of fog lingering in the warm sun. it just struck me at that moment, how life and death are simply two ends of the same spectrum.
I know what you mean about american 575 versus japanese. In fact, japanese haiku often don't even have the 575 SYLLABLE count, its about the morae, the actual weight of each syllable, that makes the stress count or timing of each line 5 - 7 - 5. It's more subtle, and far less brutish than our english version.
I like your version, but the bird felt cool in my hands, which is why I included it. You're right, though, I could lose the "while", but I like the transition in timeline that "while" gives the piece.
Glad you enjoyed this, Anna.

a very enjoyable haiku jim

the alliteration with the 'c' and 'k' and 's' sounds really works well
i think (imho) you could use another syllable in the second line and forget the 'while'
and i think you will find that haiku doesn't use punctuation or capitals....

maybe something like
'songbird cool in hands
killed by quick creeping cold night
others sing at dawn'

and it's a great satori.... (doesn't need the 'while')

love judy