IMMORTALITY

So well I see will come the day
to woodland edges, only, I will stray
forbidden to me the forests wild
treks restrained to near and mild

Then, later, by a dirt road ditch
to merely stand while muscles twitch
from having to fight off the urge
as result of aging's scourge

Beyond that just trips to town
with car windows all rolled down
merely to catch a whiff or scent
of the woods where I once went

And when bound to death's bed
knowing soon I will be dead
I'll look out the window to the sky
and watch the birds and clouds race by

Now the final silent dark
ashes scattered in a park
fed upon by an earthworm
which in dewy grasses squirm

Eaten by a wild turkey
at least a tiny part of me
will again visit the hoary wood
where once all of this man stood

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost

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Comments

hi

Just a poem to remind even those with no religious beliefs that immortality can take many forms. Thanks for coming by and leaving such kind comment...........stan..... PS just caught your "bush" reference lol. Old farts of a feather lech together? lmao

hello

OK, try alternative to eventually..............stan

Let me take a look

at this edit.
Verse two is my favorite, but that is no doubt because I know about twitches.
In verse three, line one I think you could use "only" instead of "just" or perhaps even drop "just" entirely. I think there is a better beat to the line with only. (two syllables instead on one)
One typo like thing, is "bound bound" in verse four merely a typo? I think so.
In verse five I might suggest going with earthworm(s) then you can drop "an" and use that for the next line.
I think the last verse is very clever.
Overall very nice poem, I worked hard to come up with some suggestions and most of these are matter of choice type ideas. Bill

hi vex

Thanks for suggestions ( aren't all alternative a matter of choice ?lol).V-3,L-1 I see where just can be improved by a 2 syllable word but have used"only" in earlier linr so will change to "merely". And damn typos lol.thanks for the catch. I tink I need to leave earthworm singular to emphasize it being only a tiny part of me returning( also it would be a lucky turkey which got more than one of a group of worms). Appreciate the visit and good advice.......stan

Oh I smile at this Stan, I

Oh I smile at this Stan, I liked it too, and will think of you when I think of my afterlife and shudder a little, but it makes a difference who one knows.

I took someone to the woods, she was over 90 years old and could no longer see more than light and dark, nor could she hear, but she sensed the woods and the places she had visited when she was younger, and thanked me for driving her, the air, the breeze, the atmosphere came back to her memory. That means a lot.

I said something about immortality on Joe's poem just today.
Love to you Stan of the woods. Ann