How can I encapsulate
all which I feel
like fitting the universe
through the opening
of earth's gate
words are insufficient
to paint the clarity I see
as if asking,
why do birds fly
on my coldest day
when warmth
seems so far away
you come as the Sun
on a single golden
Ray
Last Few Words: trying to see if i can keep a long thought small and yet make my point 3rd or is it 4th draft, it's getting there, this one really will never be finshed. the trick love plays on my mind bombarding me with hundreds of words This one is making me crazy. Maybe I should just write the least words as possible like: I fucking love you!! To much huh. Hahaha! son of a shit I already have six revisions and still no vision of an end LMAO!
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
Ian
I wrote it like that for affect
"why did God cause them
to take flight.
(pause in the thought so as to ponder)
The birds"
Eddie C.
hey you,
nice to see you on my page, i think you've been hiding from me.
Where Is Rosi? there she is.
how're you buddy!
from your recent writes is seems you found your way out of the funk you were in, I'm glad you gained your prospective back, it makes for better writing.
thank for the Brilliant
Rosi
The escape, i escape from this mad house twice, but they caught me and dragged me back, but I came willingly
Hahaha!
Lonnie
John boy, it's nice to see old friends around.
thank you for your generous comment.
See you around Bud
Thing about brevity
Is the ability to show a long thought in a small amount of words, it's not easy to do, to tell an entire story and keep the reader interested by the metaphor you put into it. I like this but I think considering your notes that it doesn't require as much as you have here.
you are like
trying to fit the universe
through the opening of earth's gate
insufficient words
won't paint me clarity
as god won't answer
why it is a bird can fly
you are the sun
on my coldest day
born of a single
golden ray
Hope you don't mind :P
Chez
I like what you have done, But, what does this mean;
"won't paint me clarity"
what am trying to say there is, she has incredible clarity on who she is and what she wants or needs from me.
that make me respect her more, which strenghten my love for her. (now that's a mouth full Hahaha!)
I need a re-write of your re-write. LMAO!
You could rework it as 'won't
You could rework it as 'won't repaint your clarity' but I am sure you can think of someway to make it less wordy
Chez
Yes I think i can, useing some of your suggestions.
Thank you!
Shirley,
If you needed it, well there it was.
thanks Little Witch, it's always nice to see you.