Rett
Rett
Apr 17, 2011

mortar (revised)

(new)
Screaming at the darkness
folded, spindled and mutilated
cast upon jagged rocks and
crushed by waves
of indecision

gales of laughter laced with
scattered showers of sadness
and lashed by tongues
of derision,
that lies rotting
in fields of neglect

tempered in the cold
forged in searing heat
the brittle frost of loneliness
ripping at unprotected
eyes of despair

tornado like fury filled with
twisting, corkscrewed clouds
obscure my sight as
I await the boiling sun
to dry the tears and
make the heart hard
as brick

building something new
from the mud of sorrow,
the mortar of blood and sweat
that binds a lost soul
into a cohesive wall
of new-found hope

(old)
Crying in the darkness
folded, spindled and mutilated
cast upon the rocks and
crushed by waves
of conviction

blown upon by gales of laughter with
scattered showers of sadness
and stabbed by tongues
of indecision, only to lie
rotting in the fields
of neglect

tempered in the cold
after searing heat as
the brittle frost of loneliness
rips at unprotected
dripping eyes

tornado like fury,
twisting, corkscrewed clouds
obscuring my sight
waiting for the sun
to dry the ground and
make the heart hard
as brick

building something new
from the mud of sorrow
the mortar of blood and sweat
binding lost souls
into a cohesive wall
of hope

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Took the excellent critique and did some extensive revisions. I hope I now have a more cohesive poem.

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Southern Texas, USA

Favorite Poets: Dickenson

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More from this author

Comments

Eduardo Cruz

Hey you, "Savanah Beach" great to see you post this incredible pain,sorrow, and hope. your an old hand at this Cap. It is great to read you again. I know your crazy busy now, so it"s nice to see you pop in once in a while.
See you around Bud,
Eddie C.

CCfire

This has some great metaphors in it, the sense of 'place' that it gives almost allows the reader to feel and hear and smell it. I feel some of the stanza's are more statement than flow, a little choppy but it might be me as I tend to write far more narrative than this. So it could be the way I am wanting to read this rather than the way it should be read. I love the part referring to the tornado, it's such a vivid description.

CCfire

I am off to the states in the week after Easter and heading hopefully to Houston so I have my fingers crossed I am not blown there lol..driving and sightseeing are preferable :P

Rett

It is pretty rough right now. I usually polish them before posting, but pressed for time so it is a bit choppy. LOL, watch out for Fast Eddie Cruz though. He's almost as wild as a Texas Tornado.

Rett

You are coming to Houston at the right time. It isn't very hot and humid yet. you wait another month or so and you'll be dripping wet everytime you step out because of the heat and humidity. My wife and I live about 50 miles from Houston the coast. About 15 minutes from the water.

Nordic cloud

"the brittle frost of loneliness...love this line but the follow up weaker?

nipping at unprotected

dripping eyes

So much about this is magnificent, strongly felt and emotive that I would like you to work more on this one Rett and make it into a masterpiece, there were just a few things that jarred for me. I will not suggest as your idea is good a simple one with powerful complexities within it, that makes for something grand and I think you could manage that.

My love to you at Easter Rett from Ann

CCfire

your revision, I am still wondering at the lack of yourself in the first half of the poem making it feel a little bare whereas you put yourself into the second half by using 'my' and 'I' and this makes it all the more personal but of course if your intention is to make the first half just visual then it works well.