Take a walk with me. Around this flat
uneven road. The bends of drooping pines and blushing chimneys
puffing smoke. And rain melts into daffodils. A woodpecker
on my windowsill. Two crows on the wire line.
And a street of cars winding around the cul-de-sac. The stop sign
overlooks the manhole. I-90 at a distance. There is sunset
falling on Mercer Island. It presses kisses on green.
Some bodies of blue and the Light Rail is rushing. A quiet breath
then clouds cast a shadow over Mt. Rainier...
Two blocks and you toe a line. As if I need a reminder
to watch the children. The rows of empty houses and ghosts.
Apr 14, 2011
Somewhere In Seattle
About This Poem
Last Few Words: this poem is submitted to the publisher. too late, I realized I should have asked for critiques first lol! never too late for improvement though :)
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Unique voice
Lilian, I've always admired your voice, this gives me the sense of you looking out a window and capturing a moment in time and it's flow is perfect to read. The metaphors give you stillness, movement and space with soft sotto voice and well I can't knock you on your back because I wouldn't change this much. I enjoy these small blocks of thought that you write. Hugs.
hello
I believe this is an example of prose ? I enjoyed it and would only have changed the form to break it into verses.Of course that's just me, being a mainly"classic" writer myself. The description of sights and thoughts were very good.................scribbler
One thing you've always been
One thing you've always been good at doing is creating a vivid scene. :)
links through links
listening to Elliot smith and found this
circituous route
a long hard day out there
and now the poem
"blushing chimneys" excellent writing!!
I'm BAAACK lol
I revisited this and came up with some alternatives you can think about. :
I-90 murmurs at a distance
It bestows kisses on green
I would have ended this with "and ghosts" being the final line.................just a few ideas.............stan