49reasons
Apr 13, 2011

an orchard of sticks

once he told me
'love does not exist'

with all the attention
to his own needs,
those he touched
were left fruitless

he was blind
to others

and

blind faith
bore no peace

I knew
his reality
existed only
in his mind

and mine

became a life
worth living

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: [This option has been removed]

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Melbourne, Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Pablo Neruda

More from this author

Comments

CCfire

I hesitate at the opening because I think you type faster than you think lol...I believe it would read better as ' once he told me, 'love doesn't exist' because the tense is wrong there at the moment. I'd remove the 'for' in the 2nd line..I don't know but 'for' annoys me a little as a word, it sort of just hangs there. The rest is spot on so there...not so harsh? *hugs*

Eduardo Cruz

I like this but i still see that the beats are not right
and the meter to short.
I did an edit i hope you don't mine
use it if you want or not it's just how I see it but it is your baby in the end.
I removed some words and added other to give it more punch in the face kind of thing
Because for me this is a good bye it's over poem.
Eddie C.

once he told me 'love does not exist' - I just think the "not" is a better
all the attention was on
his own needs
,
those he touched were left fruitless
to the feelings of others

blind faith bore no peace
for I knew that in reality
it only existed in his mind

with that
mine became a life
worth living

4

Thanks Eddie for reading and for taking the time to tweek my piece. I'm here to learn and expand, so don't hold back with any critique you have to offer :)
I'll be back in my morning to fiddle some more with this.
I totally agree about 'does not' over doesn't... much more punch to it.

Race_9togo

This is good, you paint him very vividly, and your choice of paths at the end makes the piece, imo.
I have no criticism, as I think Chez and Ed have covered it!
Thanks for posting, I enjoyed this one.

Pamela A. Lamppa

This is tight, concise, and emotional free verse. I felt the freedom experience at the end. Still, I wonder if it could be tightened up just a bit more?

May I take a liberty?

he told me once,

"love does not exist"

all attention
fed his own needs,
and left those he touched

fruitless

he was blind
to others

and

blind faith
bore no peace

I knew
his reality
existed only
in his mind

and mine

became a life
worth living

Just a thought.

I love the feel to this. It is reality in free verse which makes for an amazing statement. I enjoyed this very much. ~Pamela
..
.

Eduardo Cruz

I've learned something very important since I've come here. Which is as you grow as a writer, you look back on your old poems and you see that with the tools you've aquired you can tweak and old poem to make it something better. Done is not a word for me.
Eddie C.

4

Eddie,
I understand what you are saying about a poem never really being 'done'
I should have phrased my comment to Marie better. This piece is actually one I wrote awhile ago but was not completely happy with how it sat. I suppose I should have said... for the moment I am happy with it... because I know that I will go back and edit it again as I have done on other occasions.
I have already seen a difference in my outlook on a couple of other pieces since I have been here. And so, have been editing a few poems that have not seen the light of day on neopoet.

Eduardo Cruz

Bring them, that's what we're here for to help each other, I hope you join one of the workshops, when they start, looking forward to work with you.
Eddie C.

4

Xena. Sometimes you need to write to get rid of the dead wood :)