docmaverick
docmaverick
Apr 11, 2011

The Stain

Nothing ventured, nothing gained
and nothing's changed at all;
until the children die in vain
did someone think to call?

Sorry, are our tomorrows
as the branding iron burns,
with the flesh of our existence
on a dare, one finally learns.

And, so we try and organize
so facts will all align;
but, it's too difficult to hear
a broken heart, over a troubled mind.

So, "logic" takes no time, at all
wrapping our heads around,
a war cry so ingenious
that, it doesn't make a sound.

It's okay to feel the sorrow
it's fine to wrestle with the pain;
but, on our children we shouldn't borrow
because, it leaves too big a stain.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: The High Desert, in the wild west, southern California, U.S. of A.., USA

Favorite Poets: Keates

More from this author

Comments

Eduardo Cruz

The point of this is very good. the structure and rythm are great until this stanza:
:
"That's one time "logic" has to wrap
it's mind around the clues;
that so readily confuse us
as we hurridly pay our dues"

It seems you forced it, I'm of the opinion this stanza needs a re-write to keep the flow of the rest of the poem.
It's up to you, maybe it's just me. :)
Eddie C..

docmaverick

...your candidness, (or, as I would probably say: your "candidity"). That's the one stanza that I, myself wasn't completely happy with. Actually, it was the result of a fleeting thought, and a premature conceptual direction,
with the misuse of my poetic liscense.....which we both know, usually won't end up faring well, at all!
All seriousness, aside.....whatever I just implied had definate, serious undertones....but, doesn't even remotely describe how pathetic that stanza ends up being, in the broader scope of the collective effort.
In other words, I concurr; and will soon cease evasive actions, and tackle the task.
seriously,
thanx, again.
doc.

Eduardo Cruz

It's like a child, we don't want any one to tell us how to rear them, so it's cool.
it's your baby my friend what ever you do it's yours to do.
Eddie C.

S

I think it a shame the way we load down the next generation. If you can stand a few more ideas?
L-10 swap places with up and to
L-11 add so or too after it's
...................scribbler

Eduardo Cruz

Now we're talking nice edit, partner .
Good for you.
Stan's Eye is always so sharp!
Eddie C