A smile, a gentle kiss
your touch sending shivers
that I have missed
sounds of spring in the air
which you create with your
soft spoken words
how easily I fall in love
these are the weapons
you use
to take me for a fool
but baby, this time you have
lost
the anger has risen
no longer am I blind and deaf
to your succumbing snars
dance your dance
for some one else,
the curtain has gone down
on your pathetic show
Hunker down behind the lines
Your ammunition is depleted
The acrid gas of your last breath
Filtered by the mask of my indifference
Comments
shirley
or rather use or feeling to manipulate us.
Thanks little witch
EC
both wrong
succumbing snares
but excellent line!
Wow!
Nice to see you Jess., and thanks!
so what do you think of where this can go!
Give me your input
Eddie C.
jeez you look like a vampire in that picture.
I couldn't help it, I had to say it.
Oh yes
I do have run away fingers, Dame-it Hahaha!
take it where ever you want to. it's just an experiment. go for it. i wrote this just to see where poets would go with it. when it's done it could be never, we'll see how the poets minds work.
EC
I like this Eduardo.
The start is really fresh and engaging, the end, with the theatre metaphor is a tad over-used. It feels like 2 poems. I would drop the theatre metaphor and continue with the arsenal one, but that would mean and entire re-write of the last 2 stanzas, are you up for it?
hell yeah
that's what i'm talking about, throw some idea's this way. this os exactly why bI wrote it, to get input.
EC
I just threw an idea your way
am not going to tell you how to do it.
Jess
This is not about me doing this is about seeing how another person sees where this write is going. yes I have a bunch of idea's but that's not why I wrote it
it's an experiment to look into other wrters mind. you know that is how hemmingway got some of his stories. I thought that was one of his brillant ideas
EC
Story telling
he use to sit hours in the cafe's and listen to none writers tell their stories, but you know that.I don't think that to all people I had to tell you, I don't mean that offensively
EC
see below
see below
see what below?
see what below?
oh, by the way
just read
"Hemingway, I love his political stands and his beautiful told stories especialy those he wrote in spain, but he was still a pig."in your profile [chuckles] so true!
CHEAT!
you clearly googled this.
Whatever, who would deny that the weirdelf is mad, bad and dangerous to know? And please note I did not include the rest of the quote "That beautiful pale face is my fate". I have not that vanity or hubris, although some women seemed to have that delusion.
Hahaha!
well it is what it is
EC
A cheat
was another of his many trates, the gentleman in question
EC
he's a real love/hate bastard, eh!
I speak in the present tense because his genius lives no matter what he can be despised for.
Jess
We're in agreement onthat point>
EC
sorry to call you a cheat
I applaud you for looking it up. So many don't bother.
Don't understand "not all woman think that Jess some of them are brought up and made to believe otherwise ". I just meant that my pale face didn't decide women's face unless they were deluded, and that wasn't very many women! Mostly they just loved me because I am so fucking fantastic, and humble.
yes
there is one story that he is trying to get the girl to have an abortion. people think he's trying to help they can't see that he is thinking of himself. in those days an abortion was a metal heated rod, so please can someone tell me how that can be help. I don't stand either way on abortion because I don't have the equipment. It's a woman choice, an way the man was a great writer, but also a pig, at so many levels
EC
actually, no
So is Jayne's explanation correct
EC.
OK! Here's my take on it
A smile, a gentle kiss
your touch sending shivers
that I have missed
sounds of spring in the air
which you create with your
soft spoken words
how easily I fall in love
these are the weapons
you use
to take me for a fool
but baby, this time you have
lost
the anger has risen
no longer am I blind and deaf
to your succumbing snares
send out a sorty
for some one else,
the final front approaches
outflanked your
defenses no longer work
they have been pre-empted,
struck.
the field reports indicate
a rout.
I am enamored...
of the war-like content, and would like to add my two-cents.
Hunker down behind the lines
Your ammunition is depleted
The acrid gas of your last breath
Filtered by the mask of my indifference
Great way to get us all involved, ~ Geezer
G.
I used your finish, It was for me in the right vein
thanks
still and open process, I'm looking for more interaction with other poets.
We shal see?
EC
Way to go Eduardo!
Great add, geezer,
this is shaping up to be freeform workshop. But I support you to retain it as your own poem so that it has a single shaping force. Heed the cliches
"Take what you like and leave the rest" and
"don't throw the baby out with the bathwater"
Jess
your finish was interresting but geezer hit it on the noise. it's great to see how other poet view or rather their prospected of a write. I'd like to see other people involved.
great stuff.
EC