looking down at empty hands
void and unfulfilled
hopes and dreams lost
to abandoned thoughts
eyes turn up toward the sky
a scream of anguish is hurdled
as angels look down
and wonder why
a sound of thunder is heard
not the answer expected
for the question
which was applied
a sudden stab
as if a heart attack
while pain strums on strings
of a battered heart
another loss, there is no wayside
where you can fall
a yoke is carried like a torch
and time is vast like space
empty and unfulfilled
these hands
which once held dreams
so tight
Comments
Dear Eddie,
A poem of pain and loss which touches the heart. I'm not sure about the title, as it doesn't quite reflect the poem. Maybe something like: Disquieting Dreams? The subject matter is good and the poem holds the readers interest until the ending. Suggestion: I think the word unforfilled should be unfulfilled. favorite lines:
another loss, there is no wayside
where you can fall
a yoke is carried like a torch
and time is vast like space
always, Cat
Cat
thanks bud I corrected the error
yes i did have trouble with the title.
I wait and see what might turn up.
thanks sweetie!
Eddie
Jay C.
Thank you so much!
Yes I need a better title, I try a new one.
Eddie C.
Jay C.
thank you Sweetie, nice of you to come back but you do keep your word. that mean a lot to me.
Eddie C.
Sleep,
You crazy women!
you are a night owl like the rest of us!
Eddie C.
Rosi
Thanks for the suggestion on the title, and the heart felt comment
Eddie
hi there
hello again , interesting write, I like this stanza
another loss, there is no wayside
where you can fall
a yoke is carried like a torch
and time is vast like space"
"hope and dreams lost
to abandoned thoughts................I was thinking hopes and dreams,
good to read you have a good weekend ,,,,,,,,,zigs
Ziggy
I do that a lot. I read my poem, but I don't see the words.
thanks Bud!
enjoy your weekend too.
Eddie C.
hi again
yes we all do that I do the same lol
its hard to crit your own work as we do
read and hear it right in our head but
sometimes differ on the page,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,zigs
Z.
LMAO the things we do, with out seeing!
Eddie C.
Eddie
This poem hits me hard this morning and I will return to it. Please check the word hurled and my only thought to a title here is Battered Dream or Broken Dream
Just a thought or two
Love Mona
Mona
Yes to many "R" and not enough "L" thank you.
I'm good with the title
see you Later?
Eddie C.
Yes
I thought you asked about suggest to title you leave as is and it is good honey
Blessings
Mona
Sweeetie
It's ok, you came after the fact . I do appreciate your attempt.
Eddie C.
thank yoi
Little witch I read yours and I was stunned by it, talk about strong.
Eddie
thank you
For the eagle eye, also for the read,.
nice to see you on my page
Eddie C.
Hey, dude
empty and unfulfilled
these hands
which once held dreams
so tight
The last part just grabs me, and I must admit, I've always been a sucker for the feel of romantic regret in writing. It's not everyone that can convey that with enough intensity; almost a serene sense of sorrow, and I applaud that you can.
Well done, and never stop writing
Yours
Waldo
Waldo
I thank you for that< i only recently relized that this was my nich.
thanks for noticing
again happy you came to my page and left a comment your getting better at it. Hahaha!
Eddie C.
wow my grandson calls me dude. LMAO!!
Dude... mmm
I think it might be a South African thing. Well, it's that; or bru. Not that I'm a nationalist, or conformist...
Or any kind of bloody "ist", of course:) Hehehe!
Yours
Waldo
waldo
go have your lunch dude. LMAO
Eddie C>
hi Eddie
a bit late on arrival . Too often that which we long to keep closest slips from our over tight grasp. A well thought out poem which had such smooth flow I kept looking for rhyme. I saw a few spots that I might have done something different but it would not have been an improvement only different.................stan PS avoid viewing yourself as a niche writer as you might limit yourself
Stan
My good friend, thank for the compliment on the poem it means a lot to me.
As far a niche, I have to say it's true I've worked on different styles, and so far this is the one I feel the most comfortable in, well let me say that I real love dark poetry.So niche yeah this is it. but I do understand what your saying. My Dad may he rest in peace always said "do what your best at, till you can't do it any more"
thanks again Stan
Eddie
PS I'd like to see your changes anyway< if you don't mind?.
hi
I have found that stretching outside my usual stuff actually helps my favorite types of writing. Short on time at moment , will post suggestions this evening.............stan
stan
no problem when you can'
E.C.