sunday fasting

its Sunday
and my breath sticks inside
my shirt,
humidity claws as sweat
rolls
beneath white tees,
curled edges
showing femininity
as eyes are devoid of heat

baggage sits itself
beneath blues
and i
rifle through
pulling comfort from the shade,
red tinged lines
like mazes
as i shield myself
from all that i know too well

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
[This option has been removed]

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Florida, originally NY., USA

Favorite Poets: I believe inspiration can come from the famous and the everyday poets

Comments

Mela

The beauty of this write is in its sexual expression that is actually non sexual
The first stanza is the tell all, and my fav.

'its Sunday
and my breath sticks inside
my shirt,
humidity claws as sweat
rolls
beneath white tees,
curled edges
showing femininity
as eyes are devoid of heat"

the last line in the stanza for me is the clincher,
(as eyes are devoid of heat")
eyes witout Passion even though the femine side is aware of the heat.
What an excellent write
Eddie

Well I hope I got it right?

Only one

suggestion...take out the 'too' in the last line, you are such a definitive writer, we know you make absolute statements and I think without the 'too' it is an absolute. :)

i like your ending to your

i like your ending to your first stanza, but here's another way to phrase it :

showing femininity
and eyes devoid of heat

i think the first stanza is a little stronger than the second, but both works pretty well together so nothing to critique about it. enjoyed this :)