themoonman
themoonman
Jan 20, 2011

The corner of 5th and Main

Dark glasses on a bus to Buffalo,
our eyes lock;
she pierces somber into my being,
we share unspoken loneliness,
connecting what conversation cannot.

We don't lose sight until we do,
my knees shake,
touched in the nine second collision,
and now the feeling of loss.

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

More from this author

Comments

S

Do you think women really know the power they have over us ? The raw truth is I see no need to change this poem..................scribbler

Hooded Stranger

Hooded Stranger

14 years 3 months ago

Richard,

as usual you manage to write a complete piece without missing anything of importance out and still do it in eight/nine lines!

is this right?:

and the now feeling of extreme loss (should it read "and now the feeling of extreme loss"?) - I could be wrong!

Great write, short and punchy!

HS

themoonman

I appreciate everyone's take on this write, I was a little
apprehensive about this one, but I do think we all feel
those quick and extreme connections at times ...

Thanks Dan, totally agree with your re-wording, it does
smooth out that last line.

P

i love these kinds of writes

a peek at a moment in time ... a moment
of seeming normality, but one that leaves its
indelible mark for time to come

it's not easy to convey clear emotion and intent
in so few lines, and you have done exactly that,
and then some
your well chosen, and placed, words, bring
the scene to life ...and the feelings are tangible

just a suggestion ...use it or lose it,
i thought the 'extreme' was unnecessary

to me, the line reads a little more poignant
as just
"and now the feeling of loss"

cheers
p

themoonman

and I think I agree with you too ... the extreme is
maybe even overkill, let me wrap my mind to it, but
I do believe I'll have to remove that.

thanks so much for the read and the suggestion

Richard

CCfire

Brevity such as this needs to impact on a reader quickly and yet tell a story which this certainly does. Well done, I have nothing to crit on this.