Sometimes in the tired darkness,
stumbling on a grasp of yearning
older than times spent
in remnant memories,
stars wonder at my absence,
their shine so cold
above a crescent moon
adrift in ragged clouds
as air grows cool
across forgotten prairies.
It whispers through the unseen trees
and I,
a thousand miles from ocean,
from life,
listen to the rush of wind
and ache,
remembering salt air,
the gleam of moonlit water
and the sound of surging sea.
Comments
Hey Shirl,
Thanks for your kind comment. his one came to me last night, as I climbed out of the car after work, at about 1:30 AM.
I'm glad it had such an effect on you!
Jim,
Jim if i may offer this verse as an alternative for your perusal, i like the poem very much and feel this may help the finish . Regards Roscoe..
It whispers through unseen trees
and I,
a thousand miles from ocean
from life,
listen to the rush of wind
and ache
remembering the taste of salt air,
yearn, to see the gleam of moonlight
on water and hear to the sounds of
a surging sea.
Roscoe,
Thanks much for your suggestions, I will give them thought. I am glad that you enjoyed this one, my friend.
Very evocative this one Jim.
We poets can all relate to this poem,
how beautifully you place yourself neither here nor there
and we float like your thoughts through it with you,
and the last lines are so evocative,
and although simple have their essence, the taste,
the smell, the sounds and the sight all in one gasp.
"remembering salt air,
the gleam of moonlight
on the water,
and the sound of surging sea."
Love to you from Annof Norway
Thanks Ann,
It was in my mind when I got home from work, and I sat on the hood of my car, listening. I guess I caught then moment, huh?
Glad you enjoyed this one so much.
howdy
the sound of a stiff breeze through the pines and the way a winter sedge field rolls in the wind are what remind me most of the sea. i feel all people carry a bit of the ocean within. Oh,yeah fine poem ....................stan
Hey Stan
Thanks for reading and enjoying.
Dear Jim...
sincere applause..you take the reader in the corridors of your mood...
Hi Raj
My gratitude for your emjoyment. I am glad you found my poem worth clapping for!
Thanks
Race
You know I love when a writer can delve into his own mind and write so well of what it is he is feeling and thinking like you have done so here. I had a vision also of it as I read it. There is one tweaker (you know me with my perpetual eyes) in this line
across forgotten praries.
across forgotten (prairies)
Blessings and a nice read for me today
Love at ya guy (just like a sis:)
Mona
Mona
Tweaker updated, lol.
Thanks you for enjoying my poem.
it quite rocked me when you used the word prairies
from your poetic voice I had always assumed you were Irish or Scottish (that is a compliment) and then I read your profile for the AEC, Would never have guessed you were a bloody American!
I love the humble hubris of
stars wonder at my absence,
and I like Roscoe's suggestions.
LMAO
I am both yank and pommie bastard, Jess; born in the USA, raised in Northern England - Yorkshire - and the Scottish Highlands. When it finally came time to decide upon a place to settle, I chose the USA. Mainly because I ran out of money, and was forced to stay for long enough for it's ideas and principals to get stamped on my heart.
I am glad that you enjoyed my effort. Regarding Roscoe's ideas, I incorporated one of them, and edited the second stanza with them in mind, but I am trying to avoid being prosaic, and I think the tacit implication of which sense is used for which experience does the trick!
Thanks for reading Jess.
Respectfully
I felt a sense of freedom reading this, It's well constructed and cleanly written, no changes needed .
Lou
Lou
Thanks very much for reading and enjoying.
I must admit that I was quite suprised by this one myself, after I wrote it, then left it a couple of days before reading. Your comment is interesting, for I got that same sense when I read it, almost as if I had stepped out of myself and was looking back in, if that makes any sense!
Thanks again, I am glad that you enjoyed my effort!
Thanks Jayne,
This is one of my favorites, I think.
a thought that immediately
a thought that immediately came
to mind on reading this ...
is line 7 necessary?
reads to me, as a [very] minor case of
gilding the lily
the first 5 lines of this write
are quite wonderful
simple words...yet written in such a way
as to elevate the meaning beyond the norm
i felt a sense of almost repressed / desired freedom
when reading this
i'm thinking ...a great write?
need to read it again
in a day or 2
i LOVE it when poems make me think
cheers
p
Hi P,
Yeah...I had a particular visual image for the first stanza, which is why I included that line.
But "aglow"...now I'm not happy with it, I'll have to think of something else.
Thanks P...as usual, Aussie incite and commen sense, heehee.
Emotional
Hi, I read this and got that goosebump feeling when emotional poems get to me my skin tingles..the only thing I might suggest is the in your first stanza, although quite good, I think perhaps the overuse of 'gerunds' or 'ing' end words detract from the power of a very good intro. I think if perhaps you could find a way to get rid of some and use 'ed' instead, it will tighten up that opening. All in all though I enjoyed it.
CC
Goosebumps...ooh yeah, to me that's what a good poem does to you, it makes you shiver, makes your mind go "wow".
Gerunds...it was in my mind that the first stanza needed present tense, to capture the image properly, and elicit an emotional response. I'll have to think about that.
Glad you enjoyed this one. I'd like to know what you think, when I edit this again, in a couple of days.
Always happy to stop in again
Always happy to stop in again Jim