Sir, is this seat taken
If not may I sit next to you
Before you pass judgment
Save a man left hopeless
No, pity is not what I seek
Not even a couple dollars for bus fare
If you can listen to me for a while
That would put my weary heart at ease
Here I am pouring sorrows to strangers
Sir, I hope you can see past that for a while
Deserted in a ghost town for days
Walking for hours looking for a person to talk to
All I found was silence and she does all the talking
After so much traveling I saw a gas station
All that walking can make one thirsty
Went closer and the sign said closed
So then I saw you in a café all alone
If I painted you the picture in my mind
You would consider me insane
See, I have a dilemma though
This vivid image is so real
The type that words couldn’t explain
Ah, you must have loved some woman
Only guessing but your heart must know pain
My folks taught me never to pry in another’s affairs
Well, my own are filled with so much hurt
That this feeling has to be shared right ?
A voyage like this can’t be taken alone
Sir, you shed a tear may I ask why
Have my words caused your grief
If, so I deeply apologize
Would you mind if I cry with you
Comments
This,
This is good but i think it could be better even great, i think if you shortened some of the lines clipped them. Try removing some of the I's for a start ie, I've been deserted in a ghost town for days, walked for hours didn't find a soul to talk to. something like that. Good poem i think a little work could make it great. Regards Roscoe...
thank you roscoe
I changed it a bit have a look
Hello
A poem of such strong feeling deserves to have all the help it can be given. Don't know if it qualifies as help, but here are a few ideas. i agree a few of the lines are a bit long. This could be taken care of by splitting some into 2 lines ( like l-12 and 13) or by changing a few words ( like in L-23 :the type words could not explain and L-27 ;...filled with such hurt). A word shorter here and there. Of course this is from one unschooled in poetry and just my opinion.....................scribbler
I like this...
[Nor a couple of dollars for bus-fare]
If [you saw] the picture in my mind
I was taught not to pry into another's affairs
That [might] put my heart at ease
I found silence; but she does all the talking
[I] went closer and the sign said closed
Good stuff! ~ Geez.
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