KINGZOMBIE

Mar 06, 2011

"One Dark Night"

A beautiful woman
stands nude in the moonlight,
a candle flickers,
a breeze whispers through the bedroom.
Standing in the corner sweat glistens
from her perfectly formed torso.
Tears streak her face
blood drips from a knife to cold stone floor.
A puddle gathers at her feet,
staining what little innocence remains.
She stands, listening,
as if to hear
her dead lover’s breath.
and quietly murmurs, why?

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I had received a message from Andrew last night telling me that i would be able to grab my lost poetry from old Neopoet, I not only was able to grab my old posts but was also able to grab my old avatar, which I missed terribly.I would like to say thank you so, Thank you Andrew.I also felt this would be the perfect occasion to repost my first poem on Neopoet and would like to thank Rosi for helping me take it from a paragraph form and put it in stanzas.Thank you Rosi, your help is priceless:-) I hope everyone enjoys this repost.

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Maryland, USA

Favorite Poets: I have many favorite poets but I like Poe the most.I would also feel wrong if I didn't include music to this also

Comments

Thanks Rosi

I will see what i can do with "whimpers", thanks again Rosi, I'm glad you liked it:-)

Thank you Shirl

There may be cause to feel for her, I left that up to the reader.She may have been abused horribly or may have just snapped for no reason, lol.I'm glad you liked it Shirl, and thank you for your kind words.

Thanks Bee

Thanks for the help, I was having trouble thinking of such a simple word like murmurs, lol.Its perfect.I'm still thinking about the other suggestions.Thanks again Bee.

Gothic

This poem is quite Gothic , i like it. The only problem i have with it is it reads a little like a list. Hope you don't mind me giving it a tiny tweak.

Lou

A silhouette of a beautiful woman
against a moonlight window.
a breeze whispers in the bedroom.
a candle flickers.

Tears streak her stricken face
Blood glistens on a discarded knife,
upon thr stone floor.

A pool gathers at her feet,
staining her innocence
She , listens for lover's , last breath.

But there is not a sound.
He is dead, she quietly mutters,
he's dead ?

ps. I't turned to be more than a tiny tweak .
Hope thats ok. lol !!!!

Thanks lou

I'm glad you got the Gothic feel, it was intended.I will take a look at your suggestions and thanks for all your help and your comment.Your edit is quite beautiful.

Kz

You are welcome, feel free to ignore my suggestions, obviously.

Lou

I'm not ignoring them

Just haven't made my mind up yet, I'm on a few sites right now.I imagine once I get the time I will pick some things and leave others.

Hell lou

I really like your edit, I just feel that I get lost in your changes and it then becomes your write and not mine.

KZ

The idea was not for you to use my edit, it was simply a way to illustrate a few suggestions that I had. The intention was for you to consider them, and either choose one or two, or ignore them altogether, if you preferred what you had, or if wanted to take up other suggestions, that felt worked better for you.

Lou

I know, lol

Its just that you gave me a dilemma, I really like what you have written and looked through it at things that maybe I could use but each time I tried to fit your suggestions in it changed my intent for the original.I kind of like the minimalistic way that my post is now.I do see what you mean about it being like a list.I'm going to post the original in paragraph form here so you can see where this came from.

"One Dark Night"scene

A beautiful woman stands nude in the moonlight, a candle flickers as a breeze whispers through the bedroom.Standing in the corner sweat glistens on her perfectly formed torso, tears streak her face as blood drips from a knife to the cold stone floor.
A puddle gathers at her feet, staining what little innocence remained.She stands, listening, as if to hear her dead lovers breathing.She quietly whimpers to herself, why?

Thanks lou, and I appreciate all your help and info:-)

Dear KZ

i liked the twist midway through the poem...a bit of a jolt but deservedly so as you meant it to be....

Thanks raj

I'm glad you liked the twist, I was hoping it would be a shock of a turn.

Nice.

Can it be better after so many months?

Nude
woman
beautiful in the moonlight,

(or
beautiful
in the moonlight,
a nude woman)

candle flickers in the bedroom
its whispered breeze

Poetry is always less in its greatest strengths.

IDK, lol

I wasn't really trying to make it better, I was just happy to have it back so I posted it.And all suggestions are welcome always:-)

Dear KZ,

Andrew is a brick. I'm so glad that you were returned what was once lost to you. My only suggestion is:

a breeze whispered through the bedroom.

make whispered, "whispers" in order to keep the piece uniform in tense.
Nice work for an introduction poem!

always, Cat

Thank you Cat

Sometime some changes are so obvious, thanks for pointing it out:-)

King

I thinking that this poem is not up to your usual standards, before I read your last words.lol. I do not remember this from the old site at all.

This is way too wordy, for me, it reads more like a laundry or a grocery list, or the passage from a novel or a short story. it is as if the lines are all separate, somehow disconnected from each other.
But the imagery is definitely there, and the horror of it does come through, on further reading.
I do think that a serious edit to improve the cadence, and some work on removing superflous words and repeated images would help this one immeasurably.

Thank You

Lou said the same thing pretty much.I guess something was lost when changed from paragraph to stanza.This is why I didn't know what to do with it in the first place.I'm not surprised that you don't remember it.It was my first post on the old site and didn't get much attention. personally I still like this piece in it original form but thats just me.Thanks for the help Jim.