Stuck in your same ol' ways
Smoking your lungs black
Drinking your liver to death
Risking everyone's lives,
Including your own
Just to drive home to me
Sometimes...
I wish you wouldn't come home.
The weight
Of carrying you from the bathroom to our bed
Cleaning the remnants of your sins off the floor
Watching you hold on for your life
The smell alone could intoxicate me
It's too much.
I can't stop you
I can't save you
And I can't unlove you...
Comments
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
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The placement...
of the lines seems a little bit off.
and I think that you might use that line "The smell alone could intoxicate me."
in a better place. How about:
Stuck in your same ol' ways
Smoking your lungs black
Drinking your liver to death
Risking everyone's lives
Including your own
Just to drive home to me
Sometimes...
I wish you wouldn't come home.
The weight
Of carrying you from the bathroom to our bed
Cleaning the remnants of your sins from the floor
Watching you hold on for your life
The smell alone could intoxicate me.
It's too much.
I can't stop you
I can't save you
And I can't unlove you...
Having had an alcoholic father and knowing a few others in my time, I can sympathize
and understand this poem readily. This is an honest look at the scourge of many a relationship. Good luck, ~ Geezer.
.
I fully agree
I honestly didn't think about putting that line in a different place when I was editing, but that does flow much more smoothly. Thank you for your feedback, Geezer!
Always...
I try hard to be objective, and never to change what the poem says. My only purpose in commenting and critiquing, is to help the poet reach the reader. If ever, you think that whatever advice or critique is anything but honest opinion or changes the original meaning in any way, you let me know. Thank you for daring to share.
~ Geez.
.
I think the protagonist, here
I think the protagonist, here, has quite a lot of fortitude, and a deep ability to love.
tyro
I, myself,
Am the protagonist here. Thank you very much.