It's almost dawn, I open the door
and let the air rush in
Fresh and cool, I don't need more
the sun soon rises; an extra win.
A few steps onto the old wooden deck
and squirrels start to bark at me
I shrug my shoulders and my neck
in the shadow of the giant oak tree.
A deer appears from somewhere afar
then stops and strangely stares at me
I thought that is quite bizarre;
it turns and walks carelessly.
a few wild doves come rocket by,
dodging limbs without effort
then disappear in the clear wide sky
announcing the day a perfect fort
Stan's original version
I open the door
and the morning air arrives
causing me to inhale
as the sun clears the woods.
A few steps onto the deck
and squirrels start to bark at me
I shrug my shoulders and my neck
in the shadow of a tree.
Deer appears from somewhere
then stops and stares at me
then drops its head without a care.
then turns and walks almost carelessly.
a few doves rocket by
dodging limbs without effort
then disappear in the sky
the deer for some reason gives a snort.
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The rewrite of "A New Day" demonstrates a clear understanding of the original poem's structure and themes. The writer has successfully maintained the essence of the original poem while adding their own unique touch.
However, there are a few areas that could be improved. The first stanza of the rewrite seems to be slightly disconnected from the rest of the poem. The mention of the sun rising feels abrupt and doesn't flow smoothly from the previous lines. This could be improved by providing a more seamless transition between the opening of the door and the rising of the sun.
In the third stanza, the phrase "I thought that is quite bizarre" disrupts the flow of the poem. It introduces a new perspective that wasn't present in the original poem. If the writer's intention was to add a personal reflection, it would be beneficial to incorporate this element throughout the poem for consistency.
In the fourth stanza, the phrase "announcing the day a perfect fort" seems to be a metaphor, but its meaning is unclear. If the writer is trying to convey a specific message or emotion, it would be helpful to clarify this metaphor or replace it with a more straightforward expression.
Lastly, the rewrite lacks some of the original poem's vivid imagery. For example, the original poem describes the deer dropping its head and the doves dodging tree limbs. These details add depth to the poem and make it more engaging. The writer could enhance the rewrite by incorporating more descriptive language.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Yes
Yes an improvement. There is I am sure a typo there, second line; "and let the air rush(es) in". Also no space between raise and the semi-colon. Alex.
Alex
Thank you for reading and of course for the heads up.
Always appreciate your visit sir.
Thank you for showing how effective a bit of additional imagery
can be. I hope you enjoyed this shop
I did
Indeed. We often used imagery, but that of course kinda of refreshing. Now I would write with more attention given to different types of imagery.
Thank you