paleoray
paleoray
May 26, 2024
This poem is part of the contest:

05/24 Romance

(Read More...)

At The Theatre

When I saw you across the aisle, I held the arrow that Eros had just flung in me.
Your radiant smile, your luminous skin, your sable hair…
Then you looked at me… and I thought I knew.
When we locked eyes at the theatre for the very first time;
Through the crowds, through the clamor, amongst a thousand people or more,
It seemed to me that only you were there in silence… and I thought I knew.
With fumbling feet like a loon I made my way to you, through the throng -
Stumbling, tripping, and with no regard to grace or composure… but soon to you.
And as you spoke to me, and I to you, our conversation was like a dream.
Then the lights dimmed, and you kindly invited me to sit with you, and I did…
And then I knew.

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: North Carolina, USA, USA

Favorite Poets: I have many and not in any particular ranking or order:

More from this author

Comments

neopoet

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "At The Theatre" effectively uses vivid imagery and emotive language to depict a romantic encounter. However, there are areas where the poem could benefit from further refinement.

Firstly, the poem's rhythm could be improved. The inconsistent line lengths and syllable counts make the poem feel disjointed, which can distract from the narrative. Experimenting with a more consistent meter could help to create a smoother reading experience.

Secondly, the poem could benefit from more show and less tell. For instance, instead of directly stating "I was instantly transfixed by your wonderous beauty", the poet could describe the speaker's reactions or feelings to show this transfixed state. This would allow the reader to infer the speaker's admiration, creating a more immersive experience.

Lastly, the phrase "and I thought I knew" is repeated twice, but its meaning remains unclear. If this is intended to create a sense of mystery or ambiguity, the poet might consider providing more context or clues to guide the reader's interpretation.

Overall, the poem effectively conveys a sense of longing and romantic intrigue, but could be enhanced with more rhythmic consistency, descriptive show-not-tell language, and clearer thematic elements.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Rula

Rula

11 months ago

Whatever AI thought, I thought it's as usual an enjoyable read. I especially like the repeated " I thought I knew"
Thanks for sharing this romantic piece/trip.
Thank you for sharing.