hippiemoon
May 25, 2024
This poem is part of the contest:

Neopoet Weekly 05/19/24 to 05/25/24 🏆 Winner

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Loving You

Loving you is as beautiful as a sunset.
Running through empty art museums,
Laughing when we are out of breath.
It feels as infinite as the stars in the sky,
As certain as the sun rising another day.

Loving you is a lifeboat in a storm,
My most favorite pair of shoes,
A good book on a rainy day.

Let’s pick petals off of flowers to verify our love.
Dance in parking lots in the light of your car,
Kiss me in the rain just like in the movies.

Cupid’s struck us with his arrows,
And every day I fall more.
Hold me in your arms again,
And make our love a tale of folklore.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

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Comments

neopoet

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The imagery in your poem is vivid and evocative, creating a strong sense of love and connection. The comparisons you make, such as loving someone like a sunset or a lifeboat in a storm, are powerful and help convey the depth of emotion. Consider exploring more unique and unexpected metaphors to add layers to your expressions of love. Additionally, pay attention to the flow and rhythm of your poem to ensure a smooth reading experience for the audience. Keep refining your work to capture the essence of love in even more nuanced and captivating ways.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

is okay, Your language use is mostly okay, but:

"Let's pick the petals [from] flowers, to verify our love".
"Dance in the parking lot, in the lights of your car".
"And our tale will be of folklore"

Comma between rain and just, comma between love and a tale.

I like the rhythm and the tone. A little tune-up and this is good to go.
Of course, my comments and critique are yours to do with as you wish,
use whatever you like or nothing at all. ~ Geezer.
.

Alex Tanner

A very nice piece. Listen to Geezer. he will always be objective. I won't agree with him on the parking lots. He wants you to dance in one, I think its fine if you want to dance in more than one. There could perhaps be a little pruning. eg, fourth line I would ditch the 'it' and start with 'Feels'. What it all boils down to is how happy you are with the work. The more you read it, or any other compositions you will see places where you realise it is not quite as you want. Only time and experience will bring that. As I said, a nice piece, I enjoy reading the more romantic poetry most of all and writing it, though I tend to make mine much darker. Keep it it up. Alex.