whitecaps kiss the stern as he swoops, to the herring's reluctant surrender
The whitebait mass to an unlikely ruse, a "Grey Nurse " circles , becomes their defender
As this beauty unfolds to nature's final display , 'neath the waves of a piscatorial splendour
Then in fair weather or storm as this swell creates new form ,
The infinite sea shall ne'er give up of her treasures .
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "The High Seas" demonstrates a strong command of imagery and metaphor, creating a vivid picture of marine life and the sea's relentless power. However, there are areas where clarity and rhythm could be improved for a more effective delivery of the intended message.
In the first line, the use of the pronoun 'he' is somewhat ambiguous. It's unclear whether 'he' refers to the ship, the sea, or perhaps a fisherman. Clarifying this could enhance the reader's understanding and engagement with the narrative.
The second line introduces a "Grey Nurse," presumably a shark, acting as a defender for the whitebait. This is an intriguing twist, but it could be more effectively communicated. The phrase "mass to an unlikely ruse" is somewhat difficult to parse. Consider revising for clarity while maintaining the element of surprise.
The third line appears to conclude the narrative with a reflection on the beauty and drama of the sea. The phrase "beauty untold" is a bit clichéd and could be replaced with more original, specific imagery.
The final line is somewhat cumbersome due to its length and complex syntax. It might benefit from being split into two lines for better readability. The phrase "lest the swell creates new form" is a bit vague. Consider revising to more clearly convey the intended meaning.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm or meter to enhance its musicality. Currently, the lines vary in length and rhythmic pattern, which can disrupt the flow for the reader.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Another example...
of unconnected thoughts. Who is He? Is he the whitecaps, the herring?
The whitebait mass to an unlikely ruse?
Just too many who and what, that don't connect.
~ Geezer.
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hey geezer
......he would be the stern.... .
thanks for reading the piece .
izzi
Okay...
I get it now. ~ Geezer.
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Hey Geezer
apologies for the late reply , have been out Shearing..
Am glad you found the simplicity of the piece , just a play on natures " cat & mouse " world...
regards and hope you are keeping well.
Izzi