Fresh mint green lawns
A black silk feathered bird
hopping On delicate
springs
Tangerine beaked bill
seeking out it's next meal
Cloud birds on wings
of symphony travelling
from the pop stars of the
trees
filling into the dome of
Electric blue skies a
bone warming blissfulness.
Bright blades of golden
sunshine massaging
the backs of peaceful
gardens.
monk droning bees
filling the buttery rays.
palettes of sweltering
oranges and fiery reds
and burning yellow
flowers
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem effectively uses vivid and evocative imagery to paint a picture of a spring day. The use of unconventional descriptors, such as "monk droning bees" and "pop stars of the trees," adds a unique and intriguing layer to the poem. However, this also might make the poem somewhat difficult to understand for some readers.
The structure of the poem is somewhat inconsistent, with some lines being much longer than others. This inconsistency can disrupt the flow of the poem. It might be beneficial to revise the poem with a more consistent structure in mind.
The poem also lacks punctuation, which can make it difficult to understand where one thought ends and another begins. Adding punctuation could help clarify the intended meaning and improve the flow of the poem.
The use of apostrophes in "sky's" and "it's" seems to be incorrect. "Sky's" appears to be a possessive form when an adjective (blue) is expected. "It's" is a contraction of "it is" or "it has", while the possessive form "its" seems to be intended.
Overall, this poem has a lot of potential. With some revisions to improve clarity and flow, it could be even more impactful.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
I see...
where you were going with the "Tangerine beaked bill",
but I think that when you say [beaked], that takes care of the bill part.
I would use [colored] in place of beaked. I'm not entirely sure of the lines that say:
"Cloud birds and wings of symphony,
traveling from the pop stars of the trees."
Maybe say:
Cloud birds on wings of symphony,
singing from the pop stars of the trees.
filling into the dome
of electric blue [skies],
a bone warming blissfulness.
The word [blades] doesn't strike me as something [massaging]
I think a better word might be [fingers]?
How about:
The monk-like droning of bees
spreading the buttery rays
on palettes of flowers.
Of course as always, my suggestions are strictly that; suggestions
use them, or twist them into something else, even throw them away.
~ Geezer.
.
Flowers
What a great ending ending. A poem filled with color and visions.
Best of luck,
Mark
Thank you
I appreciate the comment
Spring Chill
A wild, exciting menagerie of birds, and bees and colors - you've aroused all the senses here, in a fun, whimsical way. It brought a smile to my face. I hope you had fun writing this!
Thank you!
L
Fun
Was fun to write thank you !
I appreciate the comment geezer
I dont need to say coloured because tangerine is enough. beaked bill goes nicely too nice flow to it. I was going to use singing but wanted a different word not mundane thank you
A new spin
There may a tweak here or there just flow when reading out loud but only the author knows. As it is the imagery is top notch and I greatly appreciate that you painted this picture with unexpected twists; especially since the topics like birds, flowers, cloud, and spring have been put in poems a million of times.
Yeah thank you
I appreciate that !