lone kookaburra
laughs without hesitation
his own audience
spring
tears streaming cheekwards
don't signify winters loss
just wind and pollen
summer
sticky sleepless nights
rise to blearily embrace
stark overhead sun
mosquito frantic
squealing when caught in my beard
I slap my face hard
autumnal cherries
sweet juices spurt sourly
down my throat welcomingly
seeds spat gratefully
vee stem and two pips
on rumpled sheet abandoned
the feeling lingers
winter
walk tall in the rain
you won't get any wetter
or any colder
Comments
With a,
With a mind like yours how could anyone be lonely, i love your tour through the year. Especially Autumn and the, vee stem and two pips on rumpled sheet abandoned the feeling lingers. Terrific poem no crits. Regards Roscoe...
the mind creates the loneliness
it is existential rather than a lack of friends.thanks for the affirnation.
the rain
Last haiku does it for me, you philosopher you, "walk tall in the rain", you've nothing to lose.
Distilled wisdom, Thank you.
Ian
a confession
Not everyone knows I draw a lot of my inspiration from reading scientific journals. This was a one off, they are mostly cosmological, not meterorlogical.
ta Shirl.
,
thanks for trying!
Shirl (ssshhhh, just between you and me), your really need to read great poetry outside Neopoet.
Well well well. Like a lion
Well well well. Like a lion in the jelly jar. Gird your loins like a man oh son of thunder!
Clever title. I like the idea of the seasonal haikus and the feeling of the piece as a whole, but I'm sure you see the weakness in some of the haikus.
lone kookaburra
laughs without hesitation
his own audience........................This is the best. And it's a damn good haiku
mosquito frantic
squeeling when caught in my beard
I slap my face hard.................................
......This is the worst and the imagery of a dead mosquito on your face ain't doin it for me. Angelina Jolie, maybe.
vee stem and two pips
on rumpled sheet abandoned
the feeling lingers....................And this one Anna tells me is about your dick and balls ?
I like the idea that you put so much into your effort though I want more from the imagery than your scrotum. Sorry that's just me.
A good solid effort beat to a froth by the usual lack of good solid commentary that is nauseatingly gratuitous, but I'm sure you won't mind. Come on Jess, you live on one of the most beautiful continents on earth and you give me your anatomy?LOL
You started this one so fuckin good and ended it the same,but flies and....?
Maybe its time to crack open the Basho and Issa. Smile. Cheers
B, with a bit of` ~A.
v stem and two pips.....
implies I have 2 dicks. Yes, it's meant to be erotic, but not so representationally metaphoric,
No apologies Barry, wasn't going to do one of those great southern land things, aspects, a ragbag from a ratbag if you prefer. Besides, I'm a city boy.
I'll grant that the two cherry pieces were pretty gratuitous, then again I don't know if I've ever seen a cherry blossom, and I've seen plenty of "rank enseamed sheets". Write about what you know and all that.
And recall also despite the seasonal cycle, I did call it haiku/senryu
re
moved
it would have been a pleasing symmetry
the Lords of Chaos made me do it!
Dear Jess,
I liked the one that was gently erotic and:
mosquito frantic
squeeling when caught in my beard
I slap my face hard
I despise mosquitos, they make me crazy! No beard, but I know the feeling well!
Thank you for your critique of my poem, "In His Eyes" I rewrote it a bit and added more landscaping. I think you helped me improve it.
always, Cat
ta Cat
and glad I could help with "in His Eyes". It is always my intent, to help, though it often comes out perversely phrased.
I like these very much
and I seem to remember reading them somewhere before, but my memory is shot, these days.
1st one is the best, no question, imo.
the vee and two stems was very funny,
the last one is very good to me as well.
I laughed at your comment about the Chaos Lords....blood and souls for my lord Arioch? Where the fuck's my moaning sword, heehee.
I caught a hint of favortism towards summer and spring in these too...don't know why.
Good stuff.
you have read them before, this is a re-posting
for the benefit of Shirley who I was discussing Japanese forms with.
I just re-read Moorcocks "Elric" stories, so yes, the Lords of Chaos are holding sway at the moment.
Very odd that you perceive a favouritism towards summer and spring since they seem the most overtly negative.... mmm... gives me pause.
autumn
has always been the sexiest season for me, and produces the best waves.
Jess
Your Kookaburra is a Senyru the rest are great Haiku's, the titles are not needed, I am not sure but I think that you have 3 good haiku's and the rest are very good Senyru's, You will probably shoot at me for this but the Haiku is of the seasons and should be without title.
As you said some place they are the shortest way of describing things or words to that effect,
This withstanding that's both the first two bits of the workshop done.
Now I better read the other comments LOL before you kill me La La,
Yours Ian.T
Excellent feedback, I sheathe my machette
I do mention though, that this is my version of Western haiku/senryu
all your corrections were correct, but I, having learned the rules, broke them.
Jess
Thanks I have taken off my chain mail.
I am looking forward to the last part of the workshop, it should be great fun, Yours Ian
Nice!
These are great! Love the imagery, especially the one with the cherry.
Great collection.
Great collection.
If you concern about names, you do not need them your lines talk about it enough to understand.
I enjoyed the poems immensely.
mosquito in your beard were audible!
The haiku reminded me of Enomo Kikaku haika
stabbed--
was my dream a reality?
a flea-bite