KINGZOMBIE

Mar 04, 2011

"The Sweetest of Dreams"

The midnight moon and the swirling clouds,
the jagged rocks and nonexistent crowds.
The tall oak tree with its gnarled roots,
a smaller tree, bares many fruits.

Sample this fruit my love,
its the fruit of a god.
taste of this fruit my love,
its sweet yet its odd.

The misty mountains and an old stone tomb,
in the valley, gorgeous flowers now bloom.
A warm swift breeze travels down the hillside,
across a pond, where wild horses reside.

A wild beast stalks among tall underbrush,
the angel whispers watch child, now hush.
The animal of nightmares lays down and purrs,
you approach, rub its belly, and tussle its fur.

A raven sits sentinel on a lone granite boulder,
it flies to the angel and lands on her shoulder.
With the blink of an eye, trees turn to fall,
every color imaginable, you hear the raven now caw.

Its the sweetest of dreams my love,
peaceful and calm.
Awake from this dream my love,
you hold my heart in your palm.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: This is actually the second of a couple dreams that I had, I wrote the other in this way also.My girlfriend inspires me in many ways and without her I fear my writing would be soulless.

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Maryland, USA

Favorite Poets: I have many favorite poets but I like Poe the most.I would also feel wrong if I didn't include music to this also

Comments

Dearest, Zombie...some parts

Dearest, Zombie...some parts are really romantic...that is ....thoughtful...and I can vividly see the tinge of Wordsworth in your style. Thanks for sharing.
Regards
Ayaz

Thank you

I tend to get this way when I write with my girlfriend in mind, she tend to bring the romantic side out in me.thanks you for the comment.

A sweet dream indeed,

I wondered at first about the fruit tasting odd, if maybe you were stretching for a rhyme. Now I like it, sort of dream idiosyncrasy though perhaps a few extra touches like that could enhance the "dreamosyncrasy".

I've got to tell you I have a real problem with
a beautiful angel
I mean, ever heard of an ugly one? But mostly you can always find a better descriptor than beautiful.

A tiny thing, but I think it could also benefit slightly stylistically from stanza breaks after
its sweet yet its odd.
and
you approach, rub its belly, and tussle its fur.

Mostly I appreciate the gentle wonder of the piece, without it falling into sentimentality.

Ah the beautiful angel

Its about my girlfriend, its what i call her.this is a dream that i had about her, its strange because in my dream she was both herself and the angel, lol..I tried my best to convey it with the written word.I was actually intending the stanza breaks but I had got interrupted before doing so after I posted it.Thanks for the comment Jess.

thank you Bee

I appreciate the help and and will fix these things as soon as i can.thanks again.

Nicely polished.

I like the changes

Thank you Jess

Thats why I love this site, I knew it was rough and I could get the necessary help here.Thanks again for your help Jess its appreciated.

After reading your poem and

After reading your poem and the suggestions already commented, I think if you applied these suggestions, this poem would be woven into a delightful dreamcatcher of a poem.

Thank You

How I love smoothing the rough out and finding the gem under.

Hello Again,

The only other words that might be substituted for beautiful, that I can think of are, stunning, radiant, and luminous. Maybe a descriptor instead, such as: statuesque or majestic?

love this one KZ!

always, Cat

Thanks Cat

I just decided to take beautiful out completely, I think it flows best without it.Thanks for the suggestions Cat and I'm glad you liked it.

Glad you enjoyed it

I like writing poems like this, this was actually a real dream and I enjoyed putting a pen to it.Thanks Shirl, glad you enjoyed it.

Dear KZ

much has already been said and suggested about the beauty of this write...but i must say.,...what a beautifull finesses in these lines..

Awake from this dream my love,
you hold my heart in your palm.

and aptly so when you have said that your GF is the source of your inspiration....may your love prosper always...

warmly...

Thank you raj

I'm glad to able to share these things with you all.Thanks again.

Thank you Rosi

This poem means a lot to me and I'm glad I got it right.I'm happy you liked it.

KZ

KZ,

I'm not one for this type of subject, but the tempo of this piece kept me interested. I was actually listening to a song by Icon of Coil "Former self (radio edit)" whilst reading your poem. The tempo was almost spot on. I think you could tighten it up here and there to keep the same line lengths and syllables so it fits a perfect tempo.

A good write and I particularly liked this:

Sample this fruit my love,
its the fruit of a god.
taste of this fruit my love,
its sweet yet its odd.

which you could drop in further down as well to almost make it a chorus...although I am sure you didn't write this with lyrics in mind.

Anyway, I enjoyed myself,

regards,