your life,
was like a night game
played out in the rain...
your love,
like fabled moths
flying to the flame...
your heart,
like a songbird
trapped in a gilded cage...
your soul,
a wounded animal
twisted in pain and rage...
your eyes, spoke to me
of the tiniest desire,
as you ran out of speech...
reaching out and touching
just one precious being
to set both our souls on fire...
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem presents a vivid and emotional exploration of a relationship through the use of metaphors. Each stanza focuses on a different aspect of the subject's character, creating a layered and complex portrait.
However, there are areas where the poem could be improved. The metaphor of the 'fabled moths' could be clarified. Moths are typically associated with self-destruction, but it's unclear how this relates to the subject's love. Is it destructive or all-consuming? Expanding on this metaphor could provide more insight into the nature of the subject's love.
The phrase 'guided cage' is also somewhat ambiguous. Cages are typically associated with restriction and confinement, but the addition of 'guided' is confusing. Does the cage direct the songbird, or is it directed by something or someone else? Clarifying this metaphor could strengthen the overall narrative of the poem.
The last two stanzas introduce a shift in perspective, from the subject's character to their actions. This shift could be made smoother with a transitional phrase or stanza. As it stands, the transition feels abrupt and may confuse readers.
Finally, the poem could benefit from more consistent punctuation. The use of commas and ellipses seems arbitrary and could disrupt the flow of the poem. Establishing a consistent punctuation pattern could improve the poem's readability and rhythm.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Wonderful write Cat! Loved
Wonderful write Cat! Loved the rythm and flow here - very romantic. Especially liked the last two stanzas to finish - well done!
Best
Dear Michael
Thank you so very much for reading and commenting! greatly appreciated!
*hugs, Cat
Hello Cat.
Hello Cat.
Every once in a while, actually often, I read a poem and say "Yea I should have said that". Really enjoyed the poem, thanks for sharing.
My favorite stanza; reaching out and touching/ just one precious being/to set both our souls on fire.
Best wishes, Will
Dear Will,
Many thank you's for reading my poem... and telling me what you liked, I appreciate it. You can also tell me what you do not like. I hope you know that?
*hugs, Cat
Dear Cat
I really liked this poem!! I think my favorite lines were
“your heart,
like a songbird
trapped in a guided cage...”
It really encapsulates someone wanting to love you but not knowing how. Wonderfully done!!
-hippiemoon
Dear hippimoon,
I appreciating your comments on my poem. AI is all prickles and brambles, lol. It is good to read something positive! Thank you!
*hugs, Cat
A Challenge
This is a beautifully romantic poem, but it is describing the birth of a romance from a single point of view. I would like to challenge you to write another poem from the other person point of view; sort of a reflection of this poem. Maybe the title could be "Reflections of Wildfires".
This is great poetry and deserves, in my opinion, a complimentary piece.
Dear Steven,
Wow! I will think about your challenge... I do not know if I can do any better than this. I will try, thank you for your kind thoughts.
*hugs, Cat
I'm sure that...
you meant [gilded]-cage. The rest of the poem reads like a fairy-tale of 'forever after.' Bravo! ~ Geez.
.
Dear Geez,
Thank you for catching that! I really appreciate that you told me. thank you for reading and the positive feedback.
*Hugs to you boys, Cat
Beautiful
The different images and illustrations work so well together, and progressively.
"Your life/was like a night game/played out in the rain"
If I were to pick my favorite line or stanza, I'd have to copy-paste the whole poem, so I chose the above simply because it was an image I had never drawn in my mind before, so the surprise was truly delightful.
Dear Alaethia,
Thank you for reading and commenting on this poem I hope it was not too negative for you. I appreciate you telling the line that caught your eye!
*hugs, Cat
Negative??
Far from it! I have always had a fascination and love for many of the pieces of imagery you used, and then tieing them together at the end with fire - another imagery weakness of mine - I found a perfect touch. So no, far from it. And even if it were negative/dark...
I can enjoy dark poetry ;)
Dear Alaethia,
I am glad to read that you can read and enjoy darker poetry! As that is what I write. It is good to know that an intelligent person as yourself is not predisposed. thank you so much.
*ever, eddy styx