How foolish I must’ve been back then,
standing at the water fountain with a penny,
staring at the sky like a puppy at a bone.
How pitiful did I look?
Carving your name next to mine inside a heart,
thinking wishbones would ever change your mind.
Maybe if I had gotten the long end,
Maybe if it had landed heads,
Maybe if I had chosen a better constellation.
Did the universe hear me wail and laugh
at the stupid girl, clasping her hands
at the side of her bed for the wrong guy?
Did the stars hear me scream your name
and still choose to deny me?
Or should I have screamed louder.
In the next life, lover -- if there is one.
I will pull the long straw, swallow every penny,
and shriek the loudest (undeniably) at every speck of star.
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Wasting Wishes" demonstrates a strong command of imagery and metaphor, which effectively convey the speaker's feelings of regret and longing. The repeated use of conditional phrases such as "Maybe if" effectively underscores the speaker's sense of uncertainty and unfulfilled desires.
However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent use of rhythm and meter. The irregularity of the poem's rhythm can at times distract from its overall emotional impact. For example, the line "Did the universe hear me wail and laugh" is noticeably longer than the surrounding lines, which disrupts the poem's flow.
In addition, the poem's final stanza introduces a new concept - the idea of a next life - which is not fully explored or connected to the rest of the poem. This leaves the reader with questions that distract from the poem's overall message. It might be beneficial to either expand on this idea or integrate it more seamlessly into the poem's existing narrative.
Lastly, the poem's use of rhetorical questions could be more effectively employed. While these questions do convey the speaker's sense of desperation and confusion, they also distance the reader by not providing a clear answer or resolution. It might be more effective to replace some of these questions with definitive statements that assert the speaker's feelings and experiences.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
With free verse...
I generally look for a conversational tone and rhythm. There are times when you want a longer line to make a certain section more dramatic or noticeable. As long as you are not allowing a line to be overly long, this is not necessarily a bad thing. I did not see a line that I thought was pushing the limits. Nicely done, ~ Geez.
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thank you so much for reading
thank you so much for reading and commenting!!
Wasting Wishes
Hello, MM,
I really like the three line stanzas. They add structure to the abstract thoughts, giving the poem a nice balance. I've used all these methods for wishing and always received something, eventually. Many times something so much better than what I originally wished for. Reflective poetry.
Thank you!
L
Thank you so much!!
Thank you so much!!
Wasting Wishes
I really liked this set:
Did the universe hear me wail and laugh
at the stupid girl, clasping her hands
at the side of her bed for the wrong guy?
but I think if you put a comma after the word ("wail," and change the "and" to (then) so it reads:
Did the universe hear me wail, then laugh
at the stupid girl, clasping her hands
at the side of her bed for the wrong guy?
this sounds like you mean to say that It was laughing at you
I got my dreams come true after I stopped wishing and dreaming about him, lol!
I like the way you presented your poem in tercet great style!
*hugs, Cat
Thanks Cat!! I appreciate
Thanks Cat!! I appreciate your feedback!!