Leslie
Leslie
Feb 04, 2024

Camelot

Two halves, black and white
can you reach within and dispel the night
this hurried pace, cuts with a knife
put down your cell phone, talk to me
I've come here with embittered strife
we have no right to argue and fight
our enemies have unlatched the door
they're here right now, dressed to kill
we've got to put our differences aside
and tie the bastards in a knot!
we've got what it takes to do the job
so follow me to Camelot!

About This Poem

Last Few Words: This is something I think about alot!

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Ogden, Utah, USA

Favorite Poets: Jon Anderson

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Comments

neopoet

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Camelot" seems to be exploring themes of conflict, unity, and the need for communication. The use of imagery and metaphor is effective in conveying these themes. The phrase "Two halves, black and white" could be interpreted as a metaphor for division or contrast, while "dispel the night" could symbolize overcoming darkness or ignorance.

The line "put down your cell phone, talk to me" introduces a contemporary element that could be seen as a critique of modern communication methods, suggesting that they can lead to misunderstanding or conflict. This line could be more impactful if it was integrated more seamlessly into the poem's overall metaphorical framework.

The transition from the personal conflict in the first half of the poem to the external threat in the second half is somewhat abrupt. It may be beneficial to provide more context or build-up to this shift to ensure the narrative progression is clear.

The final line, "so follow me to camelot!", introduces a new element to the poem - the concept of 'Camelot'. If 'Camelot' is intended to symbolize a place of unity or idealized community, it could be beneficial to introduce this concept earlier in the poem or provide more detail to help the reader understand its significance.

The rhythm and rhyme scheme of the poem are generally consistent, which contributes to its readability. However, the line "we've got what it takes to do the job" disrupts this rhythm due to its length. Consider revising this line to maintain the poem's rhythm.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Candlewitch

You could make the "c" in Camelot to a capitalized (C) in the last line. Your poem suggests a modern day Camelot. I like the simple title and the flow of the piece, but I feel that you have left a lot unsaid.

*hugs, Cat

Leslie

thank you for the suggestion. I will definately make use of it. There is too much left unsaid, but that is by design:)

Leslie

I wish I could write more my hands do me little service as I have tremor due to lithium toxicity.

Candlewitch

I have developed them, I have to use meditation to calm them down. It is especially difficult using the shift key.

*hugs, Cat