Jokerface82
Jokerface82
Feb 03, 2024
This poem is part of the contest:

02/24 Warning

(Read More...)

WARNING

Spools of wavy tendrils in raven
Shouldered hair a smooth photogenic
face like a pebble caressed by the

silk mirrored stream. Eyes delightful,
vulnerable, beautiful spirals and walnut
choclate eyes with silky Beetle leg

lashers. Who knew she was a complete
Pyscho? five foot nothing full of hate neglect
a kitchen handle wedged in my chest a punch

from the devil a cruel curve breaking her face
satisfied my soul drifting away into the next plain.
She took my fading light that never shined like

a beacon and the biting cold taking away
the heat disappearing like a tag team
on my soul

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Rough

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Uk, GBR

More from this author

Comments

Candlewitch

You caught me completely unawares!

*hugs, Cat

Geezer

rough, but very understandable. I would use [in] instead of [of] and [black] in the line: "Spools of wavy tendrils in raven" I know that [raven] is a much more mysterious and darker word than black, but it does make the line smoother. I think that it would be a bit more readable if you kept the descriptive lines intact and not split them up just to make the lines look of equal length.

Spools of wavy tendrils in black shouldered hair,
a smooth photogenic face
like a pebble caressed by the mirrored stream

Her eyes were delightful
Vulnerable, beautiful [whirls] of chocolate and walnut - you have used spools already
with lashes of silky beetle-leg darkness

Who knew she was a complete pyscho?
Five foot nothing, full of hate and neglect
a kitchen handle wedged in my chest.

I was surprised too!

As always, use my suggestions, twist them, or just dump them, they are just my interpretation
of how your poem should read. ~ Geezer.
.

Leslie

You remind me of Eric Bloom And Donald Buck Rosier. Dude for a poet you absolutely rock. Can't get enough!

T

Definitely spun me for a loop. All I can say that sure escalated fast. Described perfectly Cruel to the bone wrapped in a pretty bow.