scribbler
Jan 23, 2024

DEER "HUNT"

Here since before the last star winked out
on this cool late December day.
So quiet each leaf's fall seems a shout.
I love it here but know I can not stay.

The frost reflects myriad sun spears
when at last the sun clears far oak trees,
The first finch of the day appears;
it flits off when I rub my sore knee.

High up a hawk is pestered by some crows
who know better than to get too close.
My isolation quietly grows..
I think and wiggle my cold toes.

I spot a coyote but a bit too late
as it dives into thickety weeds.
A rabbit might soon meet its fate
as the gray hunter meets its needs.

A pair of squirrels bound through the trees
in search of something else besides food.
just at the start of morning's breeze.
Memories set my mind to brood..

Recollections all from times long passed
when legs were stout and lean and strong
when I thought that all friendships would last
before time came and proved me wrong.

Once I went afield with friends and kin
to hear hounds run or no sounds at all.
Now that my hair is white and thin
my list of companions has become small.

Until today I find myself alone.
Sitting waiting for a buck,
the sound muted on my cell phone
a mile or so from my old truck.

Suddenly I hear a limb
as it breaks with a mild crack
then just as hope had become dim
I turn and see a young buck's rack.

His nose is pointed to the leafy ground
as he advances with stiff legged walk
trailing a doe like some kind of hound
ignoring all except his stalk.

I raise my rifle up slowly
and center crosshairs on his chest
fighting off an urge to pee.
Then watch as he walks over a crest.

For my freezer is already full
and I want a deer that's old.
So there was no urge to pull
yet this hunt still turned out well all told.

So I sit here a little more
just enjoying being here
one more memory to store
with all the times I've hunted deer.
I arise hoping there will be more

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost

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Comments

neopoet

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "DEER 'HUNT'" effectively uses vivid imagery and sensory details to immerse the reader in the scene. The detailed descriptions of nature, the animals, and the hunter's actions create a strong sense of place and atmosphere. The narrative structure of the poem, which follows the hunter's thoughts and actions throughout the day, also contributes to its immersive quality.

However, the poem's rhythm and meter could be improved. The lines vary in length and syllable count, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. Consistent rhythm and meter can enhance the musicality of the poem and make it more engaging to read.

The poem's theme of solitude and reflection is conveyed through the hunter's observations and thoughts. However, this theme could be developed further. The hunter's reflections on aging and the passage of time are introduced relatively late in the poem, and they could be integrated more smoothly into the narrative.

The poem's ending is effective in conveying the hunter's satisfaction with the day and his hope for more hunting experiences in the future. However, the transition from the narrative of the hunt to the hunter's reflections and the conclusion could be smoother. The shift in focus from the external to the internal world of the hunter is somewhat abrupt.

The use of language in the poem is generally clear and effective. However, there are a few instances where the wording could be more precise. For example, the phrase "my list of such has has become small" is somewhat unclear. Rewording this line could improve its clarity and impact.

Overall, the poem is effective in creating a vivid and immersive hunting scene and in conveying the hunter's reflections on solitude, aging, and the passage of time. However, improvements could be made in the areas of rhythm and meter, thematic development, transitions, and precision of language.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

Hello, Stan,
Always so lovely to be one with nature with your poetry. The description of your surroundings, and your memories are vivid and enduring. The mood is serene and your thoughts are so engaging. (So glad you let this baby go...)
Thank you!
L

S

glad you dropped by. As to letting the small ones go........Why shoot a small one if you already have a supply of venison?

Candlewitch

One I went afield with friends and kin
to hear hounds run or no sounds at all.
Now that my hair is white and thin
my list of such has has become small

in the first line, I think you meant to write (Once) instead of (One)

I really enjoyed the whole poem, but these lines stood out:

For my freezer is already full
and I want a deer that's old.
So there was no urge to pull
yet this hunt still turned out well all told.

So I sit here a little more
just enjoying being here
one more memory to store
with all the times I've hunted deer.
I arise hoping there will be more

*love and good wishes, Cat

p.s.
AI is never satisfied, ignore it!

Geezer

been a while since you took me on a walk or hunt. You know that I enjoy every line, though the AI is right of course.
Your rhyme pattern is par excellence, and you have rough edges on the blade, but it's still sharp enough to cut deep for all of us that won't be making any more trips to the woods. I thank you for the trip, ~ Geez.
.

S

I have been aware that a lot of my stuff is off as far as scansion goes. Always good to have you accompany me on one of my strolls

Lavender

Checking out your revisions, and noticed you exchanged "oak" trees for "distant" trees. Aw...I love the reference to the oak. It's the big brother to all the other trees in the woods, the ancient, spiritual presence, and a lovely touch of character and personality in your poem. It gave a sense of respect and acknowledgment for the great outdoors. Just my thoughts...
Thank you!
L

S

I actually live among the deer. I can step outside and walk a few yards and start seeing their tracks. But they are still wild lol

S

hundred acres to live and hunt on. But the years went by and the dream faded. Until about 7 years ago when my son and I came across about 17 acres for sale by a bank. So we walked over it and saw it has 2 big power lines and almost no road frontage. It all had a strange shape. about half of it was grown up thicket. And although about 1000 yards off a major highway an intervening hill shielded it fro the noise and traffic. It also has a small stream and spring on it. And it was CHEAP because the bank had been holding it for years. Soooo We made a lower offer and they took it!.I then put my house on the market and started building a very modest cabin .When he gets some money together my son will finish a house he started on it. It's far from a perfect place but It has deer and almost every other type wildlife on it. So instead of dreaming for what was unobtainable We got what we could and have been making improvements ever since.

Geezer

you and yours could manage to wrest this deal from the bank. See? We may not always get we want, but sometimes we get what we can afford. Nicely done, no matter my constant reminders of scansion. LoL
~ Geez.
.

S

I have been slowly turning the grown up thicket into a mixed hardwood forest. i know I'll not live long enough to see it mature though

Candlewitch

I know what you mean I progress on February 18th. Many things are on my mind *sigh.

*big Hugs, Cat