Can you see me in the shadows,
weeping behind a veil of darkness?
Locked inside a heart shaped mess,
trapped within feelings of emptiness.
Can you hear me in your dreams,
reaching out as you push me away.
When hope and laughter isn't enough
to make you want to stay.
Can you feel me when you chose someone else?
Does my name cross your lips while speaking hers,
or am I just a fleeting memory, one of the damned
to ever grace your presence with unconditional love?
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem effectively conveys a sense of longing and unrequited love, using vivid imagery and emotive language to engage the reader. The repetition of the phrase "Can you..." at the beginning of each stanza creates a rhythm and a sense of continuity throughout the poem.
However, the poem could benefit from a more varied and complex use of language. The phrases "weeping behind a veil of darkness" and "trapped within feelings of emptiness" are somewhat clichéd and could be replaced with more original expressions.
The poem could also benefit from a clearer narrative or thematic progression. While the three stanzas all explore the speaker's feelings of longing and rejection, they do not seem to build on each other or develop these themes in a significant way.
Lastly, the poem's punctuation is inconsistent. For example, the second stanza ends with a period, while the other two stanzas do not. Consistent punctuation would improve the poem's readability and flow.
In conclusion, while the poem effectively communicates a strong emotional experience, it could be improved by a more original and varied use of language, a clearer thematic progression, and consistent punctuation.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Dear Carrie,
With a few more verses and a chorus you would have a haunting song. If only you could team up with someone like Jim Morrison I think your songs would be phenomenal! my favorite lines are:
Can you feel me when you choose someone else?
Does my name cross your lips while speaking hers,
or am I just a fleeting memory, one of the damned
to ever grace your presence with unconditional love?
There is nothing like the feeling of being second best. It cuts to the quick, to the bone!
*hugs, Cat
Thank you Cat
Morrison is one of my biggest influences and I would love to then this into more. Maybe I will play with it a bit.
just a little thing...
I think choose should be chose (maybe not)
Good
Suggestion. I'll plug it in and see how it sounds!
Rose
Very dark and hard, nonetheless It did what I think it was supposed to. I liked it a lot.
Thank you
For the read and comment. Glad you liked it
Can You...
Hello, Carrie,
"Does my name cross your lips when speaking hers..." Such a strong thought. It says everything about the narrator's heartache, and wistful hopes. Very poignant.
Thank you,
L
Thank you L
That line just seemed to fit perfectly and was emotional even to put on paper. thank you as always for your read and comment.
I liked this one in
I liked this one in particular, I appreciated the sensation of loss it creates.
If you play around with it to develop it and enhance its meaning by using words that can be linked, I think it would resonate deeper with the reader.
Great use of emotions and like Lavender, your line, "speaking hers," hits home like being hit on the head.
Well done, Ruby :) xx
Thanks Ruby
I will take a closer look at this over the weekend if time allows. That line sure did feel like a gut punch. Second best is no fun.