My smile isn't full, it doesnt
go to a full crinkle like an
evil entity is stopping it
Holding my emotion I'm
not allowed to have. I
know It's psychological the
hardest thing to be is a human
being.The older I get I have cared
less , because I know no nothing lasts
I guess I dont love myself or I see
no point of existence or both ?. I'm
getting uglier, stiffer my mind is slower.
I'll be happier when I'm not here !
Comfortable so restful, peaceful. My
borrowed possessions finding another
and then my life eventually forgotten
my finger prints eventually fading
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "LESS OF A SOUL" exhibits a strong exploration of existential themes and human emotions. The use of first-person narrative effectively conveys a sense of personal struggle and introspection.
However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and meter. The irregular line lengths and abrupt stops can disrupt the flow of the poem, making it harder for the reader to follow. Consider revising the poem to create a more consistent rhythm.
The poem also uses a lot of abstract concepts, such as "evil entity", "psychological", and "existence". While these concepts can be powerful, they can also be vague and hard for the reader to grasp. Consider using more concrete imagery to convey these ideas. For example, instead of saying "evil entity is stopping it", you could describe a specific image or scene that represents this idea.
The poem ends on a poignant note with the lines "my life eventually forgotten / my finger prints eventually fading". This effectively conveys the theme of impermanence and the fear of being forgotten. However, the impact of these lines could be enhanced by building up to this conclusion more gradually and explicitly throughout the poem.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from more careful punctuation. The use of punctuation in poetry can greatly affect the pace and tone of the poem. For example, the question mark in the line "no point of existence or both ?" is placed awkwardly, disrupting the flow of the poem. Consider revising the punctuation to improve the flow and clarity of the poem.
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Odd form...
I am impressed by the unfettered three line mode.
My only concern is that it doesn't have the proper punctuation, to help a reader through the odd form.
Here are the things that I think would make it smoother :
comma between full and it.
comma between psychological and the
delete one space between less and because, and the word is [know], not [no]
apostrophe in [don't] and comma between myself and or, and no period after the question mark. comma after stiffer.
comma after comfortable.
Your title is good, language use, eh.
The rhythm, pace is good and so all the rest. ~ Geez.
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Thank you
Thank you i appreciate the advise
Thank you
All the best !
A lot of thoughts here
Your poem indicates your emotionless yet you poured a lot into this poem. The struggle of getting older and looking back at our life and seeing how things have changed. Fighting with our inner voice and our own identity..I agree with Geezer on adding punctuation to make the read flow smoother but I know your poems are always a work in progress. Well done
Thank you
My Punctuation is bad I agree