Candlewitch
Candlewitch
Dec 21, 2023

Darkness Blooms by: eddy styx (Updated)

An aching,
in the stirrings
of body and mind...
There it is
palpable!
Like the pounding in my chest.
the pain is fresh
newly born, in its infancy.
I am caught up
in the uneven rhythm
of a heart gone rigid
in the moment
of transformation
from abject torture
to smoking ash,
raining down gray
in the pitiless night...
All because she
laughed at me!
Her mirth has
poisoned my spirit...

(soon, she will learn...)

About This Poem

Last Few Words: * *eddy styx is my malevolent, murderous, MALE alter ego who writes dark poetry.

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Northwestern Wisconsin USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe

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Comments

neopoet

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Darkness Blooms" effectively uses vivid imagery and metaphor to convey a sense of pain and transformation. However, there are a few areas that could be improved for a more cohesive and impactful piece.

Firstly, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm or meter. The current structure seems to fluctuate between shorter and longer lines, which can disrupt the flow of the piece. Establishing a more consistent rhythm can help guide the reader through the poem and enhance the overall mood.

Secondly, the transition from the speaker's pain to the cause of it (the laughter of another person) is quite abrupt. Providing more context or building up to this revelation could make the emotional shift more impactful.

Lastly, the final line "(soon, she will learn...)" introduces a new idea - that of revenge or consequence - but it is not fully explored. If this is a key theme of the poem, consider expanding on it to give the poem a more rounded conclusion.

These suggestions are aimed at enhancing the poem's rhythm, narrative flow, and thematic development.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Unca Fez

This captures that moment when the pain of rejection transforms into something more dangerous. Well done, eddy!

Geezer

The mutating heart. What a painful transformation, eddy.
Though my one such incident, was many years ago in my youth,
I did indeed, explore the possibility for a time, that she should be punished.
I like the rawness of this one, eddy. I do think you might leave the ending a little more
developed than just " All because she laughed at me! " I mean, I like the thought, but you have to express it as
a really major issue. ~ Geez.
.

Candlewitch

Thank you for all your help and insights on my works. your assistance is appreciated as usual. I hope the changes I have made go down easier.

*ever, eddy

RoseBlack

Of rejection and when it becomes too much to bare...the last two lines struck a chord with me (or cord depending on how Eddy plans on disposing of this individual). There is nothing more infuriating to me than being laughed at or treated like someone's joke. Well done Eddy!

Candlewitch

I shall bury her with a sprig of holly through her heart after boiling her in her own pudding (as they say in the flick: "A Christmas Carol")

*happy holidaze! yours, eddy styx

Ruby Lord

I like this, it's very dark but Eddy is always dark :)
I have one suggestion, "of a mutating heart." I think, perhaps complaining, changing, shifting or Alien? The meter in mutating is slightly off for me. Please ignore this if I am miles away. Ruby :) xx