Leslie
Leslie
Dec 17, 2023

Mustangs!

Mustangs bravely dance.
Silhouettes against a pale gray sky.
Running to find cover
thunderheads in sight.
Destination in the distance
the Silverado mine.
There upon the hillside
a poacher he reclines.
He loads his 30/30.
To meet the feral equine.
The matriarch she whinnies
The herd all know her sign.
They sprint across the desert.
To a place that they can hide!
The desolate Nevada
to safety just in time!

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Please, please critique this! It's not perfect but I like the theme and idea behind it.

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Ogden, Utah, USA

Favorite Poets: Jon Anderson

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Comments

neopoet

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Mustangs!" presents a vivid narrative that effectively uses imagery to convey a scene of wild horses in a dramatic landscape. The use of words like "silhouettes", "thunderheads", "Silverado mine", and "desolate Nevada" contribute to the creation of a specific, tangible setting.

However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and meter. For example, the line "He loads his 30/30" disrupts the rhythm established in the previous lines. Consider revising this line to maintain the flow of the poem.

Moreover, the poem employs a direct narrative style, which is effective in conveying the story. However, it might be beneficial to incorporate more figurative language or symbolism to add depth and layers of meaning to the poem. This could potentially enhance the emotional resonance of the poem and engage readers on a deeper level.

Lastly, the use of punctuation is inconsistent throughout the poem. While the exclamation mark in the title and the last line adds emphasis, the lack of punctuation in other lines can make the poem difficult to read. Consider adding punctuation where necessary to guide the reader through the poem and clarify the intended pauses and breaks.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Triskelion

..the makings of a country song, I think, considering the long "i" words every other line.
I'm troubled with the line "and gives the herd a sign". It might be better served as "the herd all know the sign" or "her" sign.

Thomas

Lavender

This is an intriguing poem. The imagery is vivid and clear. So much to feel within this, and I plead ignorance - are there really Mustang poachers? Breaks my heart. But then, you turn it all around with your bold, beautiful ending...
Thank you!
L

Leslie

Thank you for reading. Mustangs are considered to be feral
animals and I believe that there are some people who are
paid by the government to control their populations. I wanted
to say that every time you write kind blessings flow from
your pen. I will research the poaching of these beautiful
creatures.

Leslie

After studying the matter I couldn't find anything saying that
mustangs are poached. Much less govenmental killing of
these beautiful creatures. There are laws against it.

Geezer

people who feel that these mustangs are a nuisance and take over grazing land from the ranchers. They will shoot and trap these amazing creatures. I will be back tomorrow to do some critique here. You asked for it. ~ Geez.
.

Geezer

I managed to get back to this, you had already made all the adjustments that I would have you make, nicely done!
~ Geezer.
.

Leslie

I'm sorry it took so long I just get frustrated with my own writinging. It;sdifficult to write something happy. People who hunt
animals in our day and age are up to no good. i really am sorry it took so long to reply.

Leslie

thanks for your interest!