Jokerface82
Jokerface82
Dec 16, 2023

BLOOD WANDERER POV VERSION

When I saw you float in
I felt your presence your
Dominance your finger

Tips. Your outside breath
Tickle my ear my silk skin
my toungue rolls around it's

a Thrill. Each tred you step
Im pulled closer to your loving
Web.I couldnt take my eyes away

When are cherry lips sticked
I felt my life energy evaporate.
A pumping throb in my chest

Every throb for your black heart
Is magnetised by your darkness.
A stranger I never knew

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Uk, GBR

More from this author

Comments

neopoet

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "BLOOD WANDERER POV VERSION" is an exploration of attraction and desire, using vivid imagery and metaphor to convey the speaker's feelings. However, there are a few areas where the poem could be improved.

1. Consistency in punctuation: There are some lines in the poem where punctuation is missing or inconsistent. For example, "When I saw you float in" could benefit from a comma or period at the end to separate it from the next line.

2. Spelling and grammar: There are a few spelling and grammar errors in the poem, such as "tred" instead of "tread", "are" instead of "our", and "sticked" instead of "stuck". These mistakes can distract from the overall impact of the poem.

3. Line breaks: The line breaks in the poem seem arbitrary and do not contribute to the overall rhythm or flow of the piece. For example, "my toungue rolls around it's" could be broken up differently to create a more effective rhythm.

4. Metaphor clarity: While the use of metaphor is strong in this poem, some metaphors could be clarified or developed further. For example, "A pumping throb in my chest" is a powerful image, but it could be linked more clearly to the preceding lines to enhance its impact.

Overall, the poem has a strong emotional core and uses vivid and evocative imagery. By addressing these issues, the poem could be made even more effective.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

you have developed a relationship with the AI. LoL
Although the AI doesn't understand emotion very well, it does give some sound advice. I don't always agree with it, but I do look at what it has to say. Sometimes, I find it worthwhile. ~ Geezer.
.

RoseBlack

And I have a love hate relationship. Rarely does it have anything nice to say to me but it does like my dark erotic poems. This definitely has a lot of promise and is definitely hot. I am guessing you are still working on it. Can't wait to see revisions.