In search of truth, I ask the question,
Have you ever seen your God?
Does the flame burn bright, suggestion,
Or pierce your heart as lightning rod?
My flicker of intention cries in shame,
With cowardly request, I ask for more,
As I am forgotten in my fame,
My answers fall as death to shore.
Shall we stroll ‘neath darkened skies,
On streets anaesthetised, in drink and dope.
Our lust undone with frenzied cries,
To live a moment of impassioned hope.
The bar below belches spit and sawdust,
With people desperate for a life sedated.
Inside, their bodies rage with lust,
As minds entwine in fake hatred.
As pleasure passes by too soon,
Our thoughts lost in winds of ocean.
And garments lay on floor-strewn,
Does God reside in love’s devotion?
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem, "Love Song," employs a variety of poetic devices and explores deep, philosophical themes. However, there are areas where clarity and cohesion could be improved.
In the first stanza, the use of metaphorical language such as "flame burn bright" and "lightning rod" effectively convey the speaker's quest for understanding and truth. However, the transition from this spiritual questioning to the speaker's self-reflection on fame and mortality in the second stanza is somewhat abrupt. Establishing a clearer connection between these themes could enhance the overall coherence of the poem.
The third and fourth stanzas shift the setting to a more urban, gritty environment, with vivid imagery such as "streets anaesthetised, in drink and dope" and "bodies rage with lust." This stark contrast to the more abstract, philosophical musings of the earlier stanzas is striking, but again, the connection between these different elements of the poem could be made more explicit.
The final stanza returns to the theme of spiritual questioning, tying it into the earlier exploration of physical desire and pleasure. The question "Does God reside in love’s devotion?" is a powerful ending that leaves the reader with much to ponder. However, the use of the term "garments lay on floor-strewn" is somewhat unclear. If it is intended to represent the aftermath of physical passion, a more straightforward phrasing might be more effective.
Overall, this poem has a strong thematic core and makes effective use of imagery and metaphor. However, it could benefit from clearer transitions between different themes and settings, as well as more precise language in certain areas.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
While...
the theme and meter waver and weave, I still managed to find the questions relevant.
The rhyme and meter are a mixed bag and intriguing, with some surprising connection to the theme.
There are missing commas, but the pauses are so plain when it is read aloud, that I will let you find where they go.
Very interesting... ~ Geez.
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Thanks geezer, I didn't get
Thanks geezer, I didn't get my computer to read it to me, how bad is that? I will work on this a little more and check the punctuation and meter. I wrote this after reading The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S. Eliot as I thought his was a great poem, even though the first stanza is written in Italian???
I appreciate your support and your opinions are always good. Ruby :) xx
Dear Ruby,
I very much like that you question! Your questions are not frivolous either. I who do not believe in the Christian god, but in Mother Nature and all things earthy and love, as a deity, now. I very much love your poem especially these lines:
As pleasure passes by too soon,
our thoughts lost in winds of ocean.
And garments lay floor strewn,
Does God reside as love’s devotion?
*hugs & good wishes, Cat
Hi Cat, I don't believe in
Hi Cat, I don't believe in god either, I think that is why I was uncertain of this poem, feeling a bit of a fraud here. Like you I see mother earth as the one true deity in this world.
Thank you for choosing your favourite lines, it's always interesting to know which ones pop. No doubt when I go back to it, I'll rework it again. Ruby :) xx
Hello Ruby.
Hello Ruby.
As usual, Geezer has made important observations. I almost always find great guidance in what the Geeze has to say. With that said, I really enjoyed the poem, and like Cat, I too question the existence of God and find organized religion a crock, but that's the way I roll. I enjoyed the poem by itself, but especially like the subject matter.
Thanks for sharing! - Will
Hi William, like you, I
Hi William, like you, I question the term god and in a male dominated world, we all understand why he's not a she but, mother earth is surely a woman. Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment, I really appreciate your input. Ruby :) xx
I like the question
Even though I am not a believer either. I do find myself questioning from time to time though. I liked the feel of the poem...the inquisitive nature of the writer, pondering greater things in a broader universe. Well done.
Thank you Rose Black,
Thank you Rose Black, organised religion has surely seen its day? Yeah, I like the feeling of this poem, it has a mellow pace, it did when my computer read it. Ruby :) xx
Love song
I will tell you how I really feel if you won't ostracize me. I have enjoyed the comments put forth. Though my past may show me a hippocrit. I know there is a God, although I find my own religion a bit frightening. It seems to me that the issue is'nt with deity being man or woman. The issue lies in deities attributes which I am sure we all can agree on. That all that needs to be said
is that God is love. All you need to communicate with him or her is an open mind and heart. It was for me a good rendition
of conditions as they currently exist. Peace or forgiveness isn't as pricy a thing as we believe it to be.