Michael Anthony
Michael Anthony
Dec 13, 2023
This poem is part of the contest:

Neopoem Weekly 12/11/23 to 12/16/23

(Read More...)

A Walk At Dusk

The water near the shore is uncommonly still.
Reflecting an uncertain sky like a mirror.
Small clouds stirred by an impatient breeze.

Below, the blazing-white egrets,
set against lesser and envious hues,
eagerly search for their evening meals.

Their spindle-like legs, lifting gracefully
and purposefully, one after another,
working in concert to find what their host seeks
before the failing light of a western sun.

The shallow still water of the inlet
sharing all of this without expectation.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: San Francisco Bay Area - USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Bukowski

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

More from this author

Comments

Unca Fez

Your poem is like a painting with words. I cannot decide which lines that I like best. It is either:

The water near the shore is uncommonly still.
Reflecting an uncertain sky like a mirror.
Small clouds stirred by an impatient breeze.

or

Below, the blazing-white egrets,
set against lesser and envious hues,
eagerly search for their evening meals.

Very well done.

Lavender

Hello, Michael,
Such a beautiful title. Serenity from the first word. I love to watch egrets and cranes - you've described their patience and elegance so well. A touching final line, the giving nature of the shallow waters. The precise timing and natural connection with nature is remarkable.
Thank you,
L

Geezer

visions of serenity and a knowledge of the way that the graceful egrets move.
I see this in the lines "Their spindle-like legs, lifting gracefully and purposefully, one after another"
Anyone who has ever seen them, will recognize their movement. I have just a thought or two about the line
"Reflecting an uncertain sky like a mirror", and "to find what their host seeks".

It seems to me, that the use of uncommonly and uncertain within two lines so close might just seem a little awkward.
You might use something like [ a flat grey sky ] or something similar. I think that you take away from the really good lines
before, of "Their spindle-like legs, lifting gracefully and purposefully one after another in concert",
with the use of "To find what their host seeks". ~ Geez.
.