When you came that night uninvited
When you breathed into my ear.
Your strong energyforce I was embedded
My love occupied every waking hour
when you left. Your Forcefulness took
My weakness your domination had chosen
no exception you took my life, energy,
my virginity forever that night and
vanished took flight. I will never forget you
When you kissed me the way that
You do.
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Blood Wanderer" presents a narrative of an intense, possibly traumatic experience. It uses strong imagery and emotional language to convey the depth of the speaker's feelings. However, there are areas where the poem could benefit from further refinement.
1. Consistency in Punctuation and Capitalization: The poem seems to lack consistency in its use of punctuation and capitalization. For example, some lines end with a period, while others do not. Similarly, some lines begin with a capital letter, while others do not. Consistency in these areas can help to create a more polished and professional appearance, and can also aid in the reader's comprehension of the poem.
2. Clarity and Precision of Language: The poem could benefit from more precise language in certain areas. For example, the phrase "Your strong energyforce I was embedded" is somewhat unclear. It might be more effective to say something like "I was embedded in your strong energy force" or "Your strong energy force enveloped me." Similarly, the phrase "My weakness your domination had chosen" could be clarified with more precise language.
3. Development of Imagery: The poem uses some powerful imagery, such as "when you breathed into my ear" and "I still leave the window open." However, these images could be further developed and expanded upon to create a more vivid and immersive experience for the reader.
4. Use of Metaphor: The poem could benefit from the use of metaphor to convey the speaker's feelings and experiences. For example, the speaker's feelings of loss and longing could be compared to a physical sensation or a natural phenomenon, adding another layer of meaning to the poem.
5. Structure and Flow: The poem's structure and flow could be improved by paying closer attention to the rhythm and meter of the lines. This could help to create a more engaging and dynamic reading experience.
In conclusion, while the poem effectively conveys a strong emotional narrative, it could benefit from further refinement in the areas of punctuation, language precision, imagery, metaphor, and structure.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
I'm writing a pov version to
Hopefully a feeling you can feel a touch a breath into your ear etc
I think...
that you have a very good scenario going here, but the syntax is wrong.
You need to leave out the [I] in the last line.
My love occupied every waking hour when you left?
How do you take virginity for one night?
[In] one night, yes, I can see that, but I don't think that it grows back.
As I've said, I like the theme, but it must be better presented. ~ Geezer.
.
Haha I see what you meen this isn't t finished
Yup
I agree with Geezer
And his suggestions. I really like the scenario...I get a feel of a first love...first time. Your structure is improving and I see you trying to organize your thoughts and lines so they make for an easier read. Keep going!
Thank you !
It's getting that happy medium balance right now iam throwing out the overload of descriptive words. YEAH IT LOOKS SEXIER !
Much sexier
You are getting the hang of it!!