Jokerface82
Jokerface82
Dec 05, 2023
This poem is part of the challenge:

12/23 3 a.m.

(Read More...)

3AM competition

The tablets teasing me to stay awake
My eyes fighting like im lifting heavy
Weights The glare on my monitor
Has hooked me in shining pure

My bed is an enemy I stay away. It's
3am soon I'll be awakened by my
Chattering feathery friends and smiled
at by the Sun....... Pls do one

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Still messing around with this just notes from my head changed to the boring stuff

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Uk, GBR

More from this author

Comments

neopoet

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "3AM competition" is a narrative piece that explores the themes of insomnia, the internet, and the potential dangers of seeking medical help online. The poem effectively builds suspense and intrigue, leading the reader through a series of events that culminate in an unexpected outcome.

The poem could benefit from a more consistent use of punctuation and capitalization. There are instances where capital letters are used in the middle of sentences, such as "The web.my loud echos of typing" and "With a coat of black covering me". These instances can be confusing for the reader and disrupt the flow of the poem.

The poem also contains a few typographical errors that could be corrected, such as "hasn't catched up" which should be "hasn't caught up", and "it did do Do what the Dr and the label say" where the repetition of "do" seems unintentional.

The poem could also benefit from more precise and evocative language. For instance, the line "a quick remedy for not sleeping" could be rephrased to something like "a swift cure for my sleeplessness" to add more depth and nuance to the narrative.

The narrative structure of the poem is compelling, but the conclusion could be made more impactful. The line "has Shut down and it can't be traced" seems to abruptly end the narrative. Providing more details about the protagonist's feelings or the consequences of their actions could add more depth to the ending.

Overall, the poem presents an interesting narrative and explores relevant themes. With some revisions to improve clarity, precision of language, and narrative depth, it could be even more engaging for readers.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

you keep playing with this one. I'm not sure if your misspellings are intentional or not, if they are... if they aren't, it is just a minor discouragement to reading this again. Yeah, you could've made more interesting, but I'm not sure that you would've gotten this far with it. Keep on keeping on. ~ Geezer.
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