Jokerface82
Jokerface82
Dec 11, 2021
This poem is part of the challenge:

12/23 Getting Older

(Read More...)

I'M DONE OLDER FORGOTTEN

Why is life a struggle my blood spills from my
Wrists drip dripping into a bigger puddle .

My meds i take I'm looking for a damn miracle ,
my false thoughts have taken over.

My once warm heart has become colder as
I become OLDER I don't want too bother

I've become wiser and my energy's draining
like a bite from a vampire. I see no end

A fleet of happiness that doesn't last and
the future goes back to past thoughts.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I'm new and I just went with the flow I don't write but I like reading everyone else's to get creative and too just enjoy

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Uk, GBR

More from this author

Comments

Geezer

I see that you say, you don't write. I think that you did a pretty good job here. Well, read as much as you want and take lessons from the poets here and you should gain enough confidence to say that you DO write! I think that you could start by
putting this in stanzas [lines of four]. If you do that and keep up with the rhyme and near rhyme, you should have a decent poem. Rearranging the last line can give you a good rhyme.

"I see no end, a fleet of happiness that just doesn't last
and the future goes back to thoughts of the past."
~ Geezer.
.

Triskelion

this is a good place to make friends. All it takes is commenting on other people's work.

Welcome JF. I hope you find what you are looking for.

Thomas

Jokerface82

I've only just joined I'm a novice so I wouldn't critique yet ,but I love the brutal honesty to help others grow I've seen from geezer and a few others which is refreshing and that's what I would prefer when I write I'm loving this site

Ruby Lord

You have some great expressions here, but I found it a little difficult to read because as you've indicated you are new here and you went with the flow. Not a bad thing, we are all here to learn.
Laying it out in stanzas or verses will help you express the meaning behind the poem as you will be able to see it much better and will see where punctuation can help the reader in reading your poems?
I hope you find all the inspiration you need on this site, I'm certain there are depths you can dive into.
Good job on your poem, well done, Ruby :)

C

Thoughtful poem. You may want to put stanzas with like lines that are equal in number. Some line start with Capital letters some don’t.

The key element is the essence of the poem, with time we learn more about format.
Keep writing.