Leslie
Leslie
Dec 02, 2023

Old folks,

Old folks,

Soft and round
warm and well seasoned
delicate yet firm
courteous and pleasing
content to just read
or work in the yard
their kindness is emminent
just give them a reason
so in their old age
please, don’t let them down
they’ll need your support
to get around town
when skies are gray
bring the kiddies around
to lift up their spirits
with a joyous sound
but most of all
spend some time gathered round
and blow them sweet kisses
when you pack to leave town

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Getting on in years, though I don't like to admit it. I'd appreciate more times like these with the kids.

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Ogden, Utah, USA

Favorite Poets: Jon Anderson

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Comments

neopoet

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Old folks," presents a tender and respectful portrayal of the elderly, emphasizing their warmth, wisdom, and the importance of supporting them. The use of simple, evocative language effectively conveys the poem's message.

However, there are areas where the poem could be improved. The rhythm and meter of the poem are inconsistent, which can disrupt the flow for the reader. For instance, the line "their kindness is imminent" is noticeably longer than the surrounding lines. Consider revising to maintain a consistent rhythm throughout, as this can enhance the overall reading experience.

The imagery used in the poem is largely abstract, focusing on emotional states and actions rather than concrete details. While this is effective in conveying the overall mood of the poem, incorporating more specific, sensory details could make the poem more vivid and engaging. For example, instead of "content to just read," consider describing a specific book or genre they enjoy, or instead of "work in the yard," describe a particular task or plant they tend to.

The poem's message is clear and poignant, but it could be made more impactful with the use of more varied poetic devices. The poem relies heavily on direct statements, which can sometimes feel didactic. Consider incorporating more metaphor, simile, or other figurative language to convey the same ideas in a more nuanced and engaging way.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from a stronger conclusion. The current ending, "and blow them sweet kisses / when you pack to leave town," is a touching sentiment, but it doesn't fully encapsulate the poem's themes or provide a satisfying resolution. Consider revising to create a more powerful, resonant ending.

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Leslie

Thanks,
It was a pleasant surprize to read your remarks