Danny lived out on the street.
The state provided for his needs.
His gift was sculpting blocks of clay.
That Danny formed from day to day.
With weights and balances unknown today.
He formed an angel in beatific sway.
Then for his father on a sunny day.
The finished work he then displayed.
He looked on it with much disdain.
In great dismay Danny turned
I never saw the boy again,
But in a dumpster found the gifts remains!
Nov 29, 2023
Renaissance man
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem, "Renaissance man," provides a narrative about a character named Danny, who despite his circumstances, is able to create art. The poem uses a straightforward language and a simple rhyme scheme, which makes it accessible to a wide range of readers.
However, there are areas where the poem could be improved. First, the poem could benefit from more vivid, concrete imagery. While the poem does describe Danny's art, it does not provide a detailed image of it. For example, instead of saying "He formed an angel in beatific sway," the poem could describe the angel's appearance in more detail. This would help the reader visualize the sculpture and understand why it is significant.
Second, the poem's rhythm is inconsistent, which can make it difficult to read. The poem seems to be aiming for a rhythm similar to that of a ballad, with alternating lines of four and three stresses. However, there are several lines that do not fit this pattern. For example, the line "With weights and balances unknown today" has five stresses, which disrupts the rhythm. The poem could be improved by revising these lines to fit the intended rhythm.
Lastly, the poem's ending is somewhat abrupt. The reader is left wondering why Danny discarded his sculpture and what happened to him afterwards. While it's fine to leave some questions unanswered, the poem could provide a bit more closure. For example, the poem could hint at Danny's motivations for discarding his sculpture, or it could describe the speaker's reaction to finding the discarded sculpture. This would give the poem a stronger emotional impact.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Guess I'm missing the mark...
I get to read so much good stuff on the site.
I don't know yet quite what I am doing.
I found this...
a valid theme and a piece of what makes Dan feel like a loser.
As you begin all lines with capitals, I would leave off the full-stops at the end of each line.
I think that you might make this a bit smoother by changing a couple of lines a little.
with weight and balance unknown today -- by losing the [ess] on both words, you keep the meter within a beat or two and a hardly noticable bump.
[Dad] looked on it with much distain -- with the addition of Dad, you take away the thought of who?
But in the dumpster, the gift remains -- I think you should keep the meter within the eight - nine range of beats, and smooth.
I also like the way that you broke up the line - "In great dismay Danny turned, I never saw the boy again.
Nicely done, ~ Geez.
.
Renaissance Man
Hello, AN,
I found this to be so intriguing. I really like the title and the story build up. Incredibly sad. I agree with Geezer about clearing up who "looked on it with much disdain." I had to read again to realize it was the father and not Danny, himself. Again, very intriguing poem and title!
Thank you,
L