My Grandma I can't wait to see her !
The wrinkled old sweet dear. kind eyes
Toothless sincere smile. offered me a
an old wagon wheel shape weighless
Tin I grin in politeness. I know what's
In the abyss. CRUMBS MOULDY
BISCUITS that waft deep in my
Nasels cavity old factory. She always
Watchers and never leaves my side
Until I have to gamble a hlf moon grey
Chestnut ancient broken brown cookie
and tease it in my mouth. The tellys
On loud like shouting in a concert crowd
Her hunched hunchback silhouette
Shuffling back to the kitchen. I'M JUST
GOING to FIX you SOMETHING ! SHE has
good heart but I know what it's going
To be. A hot scolding cup of stringy tea !
Comments
Kind of scary...
We are certainly hoping that you are joking, Jokerface! I don't want to have to be saying that we heard it here first!
This is scarier than most of my Killer ones, because it rings true. These scenarios happen way more often than I would like!
I don't find anything technically wrong, except the use of [too] in the line "after I've danced to this last track". This is like a rap, so I am not going to bother you about punctuation. I wrote one kind of like this a while ago, so you might want to check it out.
Good writing. ~ Geezer.
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Haha yeah
Cool I will thank you
forgot to...
mention that the name of the poem is "Explosion" ~ Geezer.
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Yeah
I was going to ask you that ! I have seen you have quite a few poems I shall check it out cheers
The images
that appears in the poem is mass killings! I know it's comic act. But it drops scene of uncertainty and perhaps after the shooting he would escape.
Nice one.
Well
Hes ready to end his , life and kill as many as possible because he has suffered so much so each killing is a relief for him but he doesn't want to live hes done
When you get to
editing this one, it might help if you arranged it in stanzas. This is just a silly example, but it it might help with the metre and show opportunities to add internal rhyme.
There's a glock in my sock
that I'm ready to cock
gonna shock
gonna aim it at you
There's a glock in my sock
and you're gonna walk
down the block
to the kangaroo zoo
The kanga! the kanga!
he's gonna get ranga
gonna rangatang all over you
And you're gonna cry
cause you don't wanna die
cause the greedy
get needy and fry
The chicken's a cluck
a bad motherf*k
better duck or he'll peck out your eye!
Again, just a silly example.
Thomas
Got you
Nice one yeah I need too do stanza
Cheers
Your right mark thank you
Iam
A lazy writer and just jot ideas down before I forget ha
I don't see...
writing down ideas before you forget them as being lazy! I often jot down an idea so that I don't forget, while I am waiting in the car for my wife or an appointment. The laziness comes when one transforms the idea into a work. I know that sometimes, I revisit an idea and may be semi-bored with it by the time I can get around to it. This can contribute to a Laz fare attitude. In which case, you might want to put it aside for the time being and just hang on to it in a notebook or something. ~ Geezer.
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In my head
I see it with paragraphs etc but obviously not to the reader yes once I've jotted down ideas I will smooth it out more lol ty
Delete
Delete
Updated
Working on it
OK done
Needs polishing
OK
I am a proponent of using stanza breaks but in my opinion they would not fit this poem. The protagonist is obviously bot high and insane so his thoughts rambling and continuous fit well. BUT the misspells need correcting. The poem itself likely mirrors the thoughts of a lot of the mass killers who spew their death and hatred in these biden times
Yup
True there ramblings of a mad man . Please point out my spelling that I need to correct I can't see it ? Ty
Update had fun going back to
Update had fun going back to this one