M. Browne
M. Browne
Nov 13, 2023
This poem is part of the challenge:

November 2023 Challenge Write an Acrostic Poem Using HAPPY

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Painted Smiles: A Fake Happiness

Hiding behind a mask of smiles, clouding my sight.
Always imitating, concealing my fright.
Panting a smile, a fake: "I'm alright."
Pretending and acting never feels quite right.
Yearning to end it all tonight, in fact I think I just might.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Tasmania, Australia, AUS

More from this author

Comments

neopoet

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Painted Smiles: A Fake Happiness" effectively employs the use of metaphor to convey a sense of emotional concealment and distress. However, there are areas where the poem could benefit from further development.

Firstly, the poem's rhythm and meter could be improved. The irregularity of the syllable count across the lines disrupts the flow of the poem. For instance, the first line has eight syllables, while the second line has seven. A more consistent rhythm could enhance the overall reading experience.

Secondly, the poem could benefit from a more varied vocabulary. The words "smile" and "right" are repeated multiple times, which could potentially dilute their impact. Exploring synonyms or alternative expressions could enrich the poem's language and maintain the reader's interest.

Lastly, the poem's ending could be made more powerful. The final line, "Yearning to end it all tonight, in fact I think I just might," introduces a dramatic shift in tone and subject matter. However, it feels somewhat abrupt. Providing more context or leading up to this revelation more gradually could enhance its emotional impact.

Overall, the poem effectively communicates a sense of emotional struggle, but could benefit from improvements in rhythm, vocabulary, and narrative development.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

RoseBlack

Your poem spoke volumes and resonates deeply with me. Sometimes we have to take off the mask and show how we really feel. Faking wellness is exhausting and leads to despair. If this is your reality...I hope you are doing well and taking care of yourself. Well done.

C

I really liked the poem. I was a bit distressed when I read the last lines:

Pretending and acting never feels quite right.
Yearning to end it all tonight, in fact I think I just might.

Pretending and acting never feels right but we are able redirect our actions without feeling so distressed.

M. Browne

Thanks for your comment!

I completely agree but for the dramatic essence of my poem I decided to write from a perspective of someone who cannot find the energy to pretend anymore.
It definitely is concerning and distressing, but it just brings the attention to the issue at hand.