Jokerface82
Jokerface82
Nov 17, 2023

Hoho oh nooooo

That time of the year again the crisp crunchy White snow the cold death of breath
outside the cheers and high pitched laughter but when you get older it grows moulder.
you realise it's not always happiness it's about survival living day by fckn day enjoying what you can
while the children are to young to understand. They go out to play like everyday is fun and bright red roses .
while you smile for them you know tomorrow it all starts again.

don't listen to the gurus that say you can be happy by believing in God or the universe
It won't provide and manifest what you want . I hope you realise it doesn't work it cant
so put on your Christmas paper crinkled hat and ignore the false crap. Enjoy the hot turkey
Thick gravy Pouring down like a flowing river on your warm wet roast dinner mountains of crispy roast
here's a toast
Hurry! pour yourself a nice cold ice beer hold your glass up you deserve another few more god damn years.!

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Yup I know it needs paragraphs go for it I welcome criticism just a rough sketch

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Uk, GBR

More from this author

Comments

RoseBlack

Has a lot of potential. I would suggest breaking the paragraph into stanzas and capitalizing the first letter of each stanza as well as adding more detail, moving words around to help the flow and rhyme:

That time of year again
The crisp crunchy snow beneath our feet (added here)
The cold breath of death outside (switched words here)
Followed by cheers and laughter, how sweet

I really like the tone and content of the poem as the holidays are not merry for everyone and I think we forget that as a society. I am curious to see where you take these revisions, if any. Good job

Candlewitch

I really appreciated your holiday poem. It took me back to a time when the days were not great. my first husband abandoned me after making my pregnancy an emotional and verbal terror. I think that there are a lot of people who have negative holiday memorabilia.

your poem makes me appreciate what I have now. the lines:

so don't listen to the gurus that say you can be happy by believing in God or the universe
It won't provide and manifest what you want . I hope you realise it doesn't work it cant
so put on your Christmas paper crinkled hat and ignore the false shit chat enjoy the hot turkey gravy
Pouring down like a flowing River on your warm wet roast dinner mountains of crispy roast here's a toast

because there is a Pagan/Wiccan holiday called Yule which was taken over by Christians to entice them into accepting the revised holiday. religion has always been a way of controlling the masses.

*I see you plan on reworking this piece, and I would love to read it when you do.If you could write: (Revised) in the title then it will invite more readers. by-the-way it is very nice to meet you!

*Hugs. Cat