Sunlight meets dust,
And Adam’s bone.
In cloud there’s chaos,
Yet still alone.
She roars in silence,
To rattle and hum.
Guided by science,
learn when you’re numb.
Born into sin,
Growing aged and wise.
From where we begin,
Living with lies.
Seeing and hearing,
Keep your eyes shut.
Existing while fearing,
Her senses are cut.
Loving and lusting,
Desire undressed,
Truth is not trusting,
If you’re naked, distressed.
Oct 13, 2023
APPARENTLY, GOD MADE WOMAN
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Been sitting on this for a while and just changed it again. Tell me what you think and what ideas you get from the poem please. Ruby :)
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem offers a complex exploration of the human condition, particularly focusing on the female experience. The use of contrasting imagery, such as "sunlight in dust" and "cloud and chaos," effectively conveys a sense of struggle and paradox inherent in life.
The poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm or rhyme scheme to enhance its musicality and flow. The current structure seems somewhat irregular, which can disrupt the reader's engagement.
The line "Guided by science, / Can’t learn if you’re dumb" could be clarified. The current phrasing might be interpreted as derogatory or dismissive, which could alienate some readers. Perhaps consider rephrasing to more clearly communicate the intended message about the importance of knowledge and understanding.
The theme of 'seeing and not seeing', 'hearing and not hearing' is intriguing. However, it could be developed further to provide a more in-depth exploration of this concept.
The final lines "Truth is not trusting, / If you’re naked, distressed" are powerful and thought-provoking. However, they might benefit from further context or explanation to fully convey their meaning to the reader.
Overall, this poem presents a compelling exploration of complex themes. With some refinement in rhythm, clarity, and development of ideas, it could be even more impactful.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Apparently, God Made Woman
Hello, Ruby,
I read this earlier today, but was unable to comment until now. Earlier, I had one suggestion, and I see you have since changed it: "Living and fearing" did not seem to go together in the context of the poem. I like the word "existing" much better. Lots of power in the poem, and I can feel the struggle. I'm going to visit again.
Thank you,
L
Hi Lavender, thank you for
Hi Lavender, thank you for your read and comment. I've a lot more ideas for this one but those would change the theme so maybe I'll go back to my drawing board at some point?
It's strange, I post a poem but when I see it in a different format, I can see my errors more easily.
I'm glad you enjoyed it and I appreciate your comments and that you mentioned what you got from it. Ruby :) xx
I see...
the struggle, the sing-song rhythm demands that you concentrate on the words
after the first or second time that you read this. I see the determination; that the day of
true sexual revolution is yet to come. Tastefully done. ~ Geez.
.
Hi Geezer, thanks for your
Hi Geezer, thanks for your comments and read. Yes, I don't believe we have reached the level of equality we deserve and I don't think we ever will :(
Ruby :)
I liked your poem. I think if
I liked your poem. I think if stanzas were separated it maybe easier to read.
Good poem!
Thank you Clentin, I'll take
Thank you Clentin, I'll take another look and see where I can make improvements.
I appreciate your comments and that you read my poem. Ruby :)