Nobody wants to hear you sing the blues,
but when you’re down and out
and feel you’ve nothing to lose.
It’s part of your nature to dip your foot in that pool.
You can’t go forward, and it won’t help to turn back.
Then lend me an ear and I’ll sing for you.
A melancholy tune that seems to distract
And though you suspect that it will all turn around.
From the choir in your head, only the blues resound!
The voices that plague your tormented mind!
Won’t let you rest on this hot August night.
Then dream if you're able, for the night will slip away.
Leaving you to sleep as you dream away another balmy day!
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem effectively uses imagery and metaphor to convey a sense of melancholy and struggle. However, the narrative could be clearer and more coherent. The transition between lines and stanzas sometimes feels abrupt, which may disrupt the reader's understanding and engagement.
The first two lines establish a premise that the speaker is not wanted or appreciated ("Nobody wants to hear you sing the blues"), but this idea is not further developed or resolved in the poem. The speaker then shifts to a more comforting tone in the line "Then lend me an ear and I’ll sing for you." The connection between these two ideas could be made more explicit.
The rhythm of the poem is inconsistent, which can be disorienting for the reader. For example, the line "The voices that plague your tormented mind!" is significantly shorter than the other lines, disrupting the flow of the poem.
The poem's language is generally clear and accessible, but there are a few instances where the phrasing is awkward or confusing. For example, the line "You can’t go forward, and it won’t help to turn back" is a bit vague and could be clarified.
The poem's use of metaphor is effective, particularly in lines like "From the choir in your head, only the blues resound!" This line vividly conveys the speaker's internal struggle. However, the metaphor could be developed further and used more consistently throughout the poem.
The poem's ending is somewhat ambiguous. The line "Leaving you to sleep as you dream away another balmy day!" suggests a sense of resignation, but it's not clear what the speaker is resigning to. This could be clarified to give the poem a stronger conclusion.
Overall, this poem has potential but could benefit from clearer narrative development, more consistent rhythm, and more effective use of language and metaphor.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
It must be...
the unusual movement of the lure, has got the fish all swimming away in confusion.
I'm not sure if the rhythm is so ragged by design or what, but it really doesn't work for me.
I like the theme, the idea is sound, it's just the way you have presented it. I feel like you wrote some good stuff, and then decided to cut it up and throw it down as confetti. Try again. ~ Geezer.
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