The shining stars, to no avail;
like dust behind the dragon's tail
were drifting where my eyes were turned
and beads of surly sweat had burned
accreting chide as pillows churned
and restlessly, the sheets were tossed
a dozen midnight hours crossed
while sanity was looming lost
...the mattress laughed at fits of fray
while scorching where my body lay
stripped to nakedness, the ants
were hatched from silk pyjama pants
while in the sky, the lightning danced
...in clouds that taunted distantly
above the hearth of windless sea
in nether regions, worms a'wriggling!
tickling, oozing, crawling, niggling
that drove me fingering, clenching, giggling
...and thinking how a long, cold bath
would ease this seige of demon's wrath
another open furnace door
emitting rays of reddened ore
I hear the news has more in store
...with night time bearing small relief
from sleepless summer's brazen thief
and all the day, that leads each night
that nuclear curse of heaven, bright
parades in flaunting ways, this blight
...last night, the waxing moon had melted
-summer sloughed in slag and smelted
and now, the fridge light casts a glare
and well inside, my eyes do stare
upon three ripened plums...right there
...whose ownership I do not know
and less, I care, as I bend low
.
.
.
S7 inspired by William Carlos Williams' "This is Just to Say"
Comments
Restless
Wow, Thomas,
I've read several times - the rhyme pattern is amazing, and the language is simply fantastic. I'm in awe... I love the WCW poem, and your ending could be a small poem, itself. So, it may be just me, but when reading, I also felt a flow similar to Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll. Your tight rhyme pattern is much more complex, of course, but there is a lovely whimsical feeling. "...summer sloughed in slag and smelted." Not entirely sure what that literally means, but I like how it makes me feel when I read it aloud!
This is a gem.
L
Absolutely hot...
I read this with some delight and would have taken it for granted that it was something by Lewis Carroll or Dr, Suess!
The rhyme and rhythm were very good. I could and would forgive any gibberish like the line mentioned by Lavender, simply because of the feeling it brought to the piece. The words [slag and smelted] both are words of heat and furnaces, so pass easily. Nice job! ~ Geez.
.
Hi guys.
I'm glad you enjoyed this experimental poem. Your replies are my happiness. I was wondering how that line might be received, but let it be for the same reason you seem to pass it. The word slough does have a couple meanings, either which (kinda) works in that line. Considering poetic licence.. slough(sloo) is a swamp, so, by adding "ed" would become "swamped" or slough(sluff) to shed, so (kinda) works there, too considering the way sunburnt skin peels.
My other concern was the transition between tercets and couplets that seemed to curb on the couplet, so added the hideous dots to create a pause. Not sure if that was a good thing.lol, but worked for me. I also considered using a half space between them, but that wasn't an option and wasn't wholly correct for all stanzas, so would structurally disturb the flow...I guess I'm rambling now.
Your comparison to Lewis Carroll's writing was a surprise and pretty sure we studied him in secondary school and may have influenced me somehow.
Thank you for your kind appreciation. I hope to further gather more.
Thomas
Hi, Thomas,
I did notice the ellipses. In my opinion, they are not necessary, especially since you are using such wonderful enjambment in most cases. I think the tercets / couplets transition is outstanding - one of the things (and there are so many things) I really admire and enjoy about this poem. I had no difficulty with the poem's flow, at all.
L
Aahhh...enjambment
..now I know what it means, so thanks for that..and "ellipsis"...I did not know it was a literary thing, either.
So, after making two copies with and without ellipses(pl) and going back and forth once a day, I still can't let the little darlings go.lol.
Thanks again for your input.
Thomas
Hello, Thomas!
I can see why you like them! :)
L