Once Upon A Murder

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Once Upon A Murder" presents a vivid, albeit dark, narrative that draws on strong imagery and metaphors to convey a sense of violence and tragedy. However, there are areas where clarity could be improved to enhance the reader's understanding and engagement with the poem.

1. Consistency in Metaphorical Language: The poem uses a mixture of concrete and abstract imagery, such as "concrete slabs" and "sanguine tears". While this can create a rich tapestry of visuals, it may also confuse readers if the connection between these images is not clear. Consider refining the metaphors to ensure they contribute to a cohesive narrative.

2. Punctuation and Syntax: The poem's punctuation and syntax could be revised for clarity. For instance, the phrase "His words cut like steele / Through her heart strings / They exploded fast" could benefit from punctuation to clarify the relationship between the clauses.

3. Poetic Form: The poem does not adhere to a specific poetic form, which is perfectly acceptable. However, the inconsistent line lengths and rhyme scheme can make the poem feel a bit disjointed. If this was the intention, to mirror the chaos and violence of the narrative, it could be beneficial to make this more explicit through other elements of the poem.

4. Use of Language: The poem uses a variety of powerful words and phrases to convey its narrative. However, some phrases, such as "ghostly nabe" and "steele", are less commonly used or spelled in a non-standard way, which may disrupt the reader's engagement with the poem. Consider revising these elements for clarity.

5. Conclusion: The poem ends abruptly with "Too late....". While this effectively conveys a sense of finality and tragedy, it might be worth considering how this conclusion can be made more impactful. Perhaps providing more context or detail in the preceding lines could help to heighten the emotional impact of the poem's conclusion.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Is it a Japanese hot pot?
I think I would use a different word than [fast,] maybe use [out.]
The ending is rather abrupt, but reveals the intent of signing off to the obvious
threat to sanity. The world goes on, and I think that the ultimate irony is that
"they" win. I'm not about to let "them" or "they" win. I'm going out kicking and screaming.
Join up, make a list now; make "them" and "they" pay! ~ Geez.
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Hi, Carrie,
I am so curious about this! At first, I felt it was a concrete angel having a human and very spiritual experience over an unrequited love. And it still feels that way, but I am confused with the ending. Maybe she is reliving this moment when she was murdered? The dark, mysterious ending leaves me wanting more!
Thank you!
L

I like this much better. The feel of the cold, bitter ending adds to the cold concrete throughout.
L