Trail
Trail
Aug 18, 2023
This poem is part of the contest:

Neopoem Of The Week August 13th to August 18th 2023.

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Dark days

And here I am
Cold in the middle of summer
Bleeding through intact skin
For once again,
The light has gone out of my life

I take a deep breath and I hold it
The days continue to come and go
More and more clouds continue to come
Drifting from the south
Where waves crash upon the rocks

I gently release that breath
There's no reason to hold on
To anything in particular

Soon the sun will set
And winter will be here again
The leaves will fall from the trees
And everything we had held on to so dearly
Will be gone
A. SWANTALALA

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: Botswana

Favorite Poets: Charles Bukowski

More from this author

Comments

neopoet

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Dark Days" effectively uses metaphor and imagery to convey a sense of melancholy and loss. However, the poem could benefit from additional clarity and specificity in its language.

The first stanza introduces the speaker's emotional state effectively with the use of metaphor, such as "Cold in the middle of summer" and "Bleeding through intact skin". These lines suggest a deep emotional pain that contrasts with the expected reality, which is a strong start. However, the line "The light has gone out of my life" is a bit clichéd and could be rephrased in a more original way to maintain the reader's interest.

In the second stanza, the poem introduces a new metaphor of clouds "drifting from the south", which could be more effectively linked to the speaker's emotional state. The connection between the clouds and the speaker's feelings is not entirely clear, which may confuse the reader.

The third stanza uses the metaphor of breath to convey a sense of resignation or acceptance. This is a powerful metaphor, but it could be developed further to create a stronger emotional impact. For example, the poem could explore what the act of holding and releasing breath means to the speaker in more detail.

The final stanza introduces the metaphor of the changing seasons to represent the passage of time and the inevitability of loss. This is a common metaphor in poetry, so it's important to use it in a unique and interesting way. The poem could benefit from more specific and vivid descriptions of the changing seasons to make this metaphor more compelling.

In terms of structure, the poem uses a free verse form, which allows for flexibility in line length and rhythm. However, the poem could benefit from more consistent use of line breaks to create a more rhythmic reading experience.

Overall, the poem effectively communicates a sense of melancholy and loss through its use of metaphor and imagery. With some revisions to improve clarity and specificity, the poem could be even more impactful.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

RoseBlack

But honest write that I resonate with deeply. Good use of language and flow. Well done

Trail

I'm going through a rough patch right now, and I'm hoping poetry could save me like it always has. Thank you for enjoying my poem and being kind enough to leave a review