For my youth

At a school service, we sat together, nervous,
and watched a priest drink wine, and eat bread.
Later, we drank cola and ate chips.
Unaware when he was talking.
I’d never kiss those lips.
But how I would have liked to.
The distance, is too far,
It repeats, as a long-ago dream.
He is mine in rapid eye movements,
And as light unlocks my sleep, he disappears.
A love I never knew I wanted, I never had.
I regret, he didn’t ask me,
I would have said yes,
He almost did, why did he hold back?

About This Poem

Last Few Words: This is about a boy I always fancied at school. I left and went to a different school and I always felt, I'd missed out :(

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: United Kingdom

Favorite Poets: I like Margaret Atwoods poetry and I enjoy her writing. She has a natural ability to make her fiction read like poetry

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem effectively uses imagery and contrast to convey a sense of longing and regret. The juxtaposition of the sacred (priest, wine, bread) and the mundane (cola, chips) serves to underscore the depth of the speaker's unrequited feelings.

However, the poem could benefit from a clearer narrative thread. The shift from the school service to the speaker's dreams is somewhat abrupt and could be bridged more smoothly. Additionally, the poem's conclusion might be more impactful if it were more directly tied to the imagery and themes introduced earlier in the poem.

The use of rhetorical questions in the last line, while evocative, might be more effective if they were more tightly integrated into the poem as a whole. As it stands, they seem somewhat disconnected from the rest of the poem.

The poem's language is generally clear and accessible, but there are moments where it becomes a bit vague. For example, the phrase "he is mine in rapid eye movements" is intriguing but could be clarified.

Overall, this poem effectively communicates a sense of longing and regret, but could be strengthened with a clearer narrative thread and more consistent use of imagery.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Yeah...

sounds familiar. I can only speak to what I think that boy might have felt, but I had a thing for this girl in middle school and I never made the move for two reasons. One, her parents would have never approved and two, I was afraid she would have rejected me because there were better prospects. I thought at one point she may have fancied me, but the time passed and no more opportunities. I am a little confused about the priest, but the thought occurs to me that you are speaking of two different social strati, and never the twain shall meet. I think that if this was cleared up, the poem would be better. ~ Geez.
.

Thanks Geezer, I see it now

Thanks Geezer, I see it now and i've missed an important piece of information out doh! Ruby :)

This is...

much better now. ~ Geez.
.

Lost Love/The One That Got Away

This was such a sweet tale of what may have been. We put them on the back burner and then when we least expect it, they cross our minds again. We wonder if life would've been different had it worked out the way it may should have. I never felt this way about anyone I went to school with. I don't think I have ever really had that "one that got away." But I enjoyed your poem. Thank you for sharing!