Murderous skies drip
Crimson drops forming
Puddles of heartache
Beneath a ravaged sun
Dried and withered
A raisin of a human
Drained of all her senses
Emotions and finances
The past was a nightmare
The future looks bleak
The present is hopeless
There is only one escape
Curling up beside her father's grave
Heaven and Hell echoing
As the hallowed wind whispers
Time to go...
One cut, two cut, three cut
Then there were four
Deeper and deeper until she felt
Nothing at all
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem effectively employs vivid imagery and metaphor to convey a sense of despair and hopelessness. The use of color, particularly "crimson," and the stark contrast between "heaven" and "hell" enhance the emotional depth of the piece.
However, the poem could benefit from more varied sentence structure. The majority of the lines are short and declarative, which can make the rhythm monotonous. Experimenting with longer sentences or varying the placement of line breaks could introduce more dynamism into the poem.
The transition between the third and fourth stanzas is abrupt. The introduction of the father's grave seems to come from nowhere, and it's not clear how it relates to the preceding stanzas. Providing some context or foreshadowing could help this transition feel more natural.
The final stanza is powerful, but it risks romanticizing self-harm. It's important to handle such sensitive topics with care. Consider revising this stanza to maintain the emotional impact without potentially causing distress to readers who may have personal experience with this issue.
Finally, the poem could benefit from more exploration of the speaker's emotional state. While the despair is clear, the reasons for it are vague. Providing more specific details could make the speaker's situation more relatable and compelling.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Wow!
Just...wow!
Thank you
Some of my stuff has been very personal lately. Thank you for the read and comment.
As Kristen said. A truly
As Kristen said. A truly powerful evocative poem
Thank you
For the read and comment. Glad this reached you.
The way you started the poem
The way you started the poem was so powerful but it wasn't until I got to the end that I understood how powerful. It was vibrant from the start. "Crimson drops forming" and "Beneath a ravaged sun" all speak of intensity. But the ending: "Nothing at all" spoke loudest. Well done on writing about such a difficult subject. I hope you are growing strong, using your poems as reflective therapy. It was very good. Ruby :) xx
Thank you Ruby
I do use poetry as therapeutic healing. I had a long visit at my father's grave the other night. We never met due to adoption but come to find out he is buried in my favorite cemetery. A strange way to bond but the best we can do. The poem came about while I sat there listening to one of our mutually favorite bands as I sorted through all the difficult emotions this week
Your heart...
is an open wound here. I know that you will survive, you are a survivor. Remember, me and Wendy love you and are glad to have you in our lives. So, keep hanging in there. ~ Geez.
Thank you
This is the worst pain ever...I forgot what this feels like...thank you for your support and kind words always